Q: I am trying to discipline my 8-year-old and 9-year-old girls using the 8-day Strike method as outlined in John Rosemond’s The Well Behaved Child book. Basically, that means the first four strikes are warnings, and there are no consequences. The last four strikes have consequences, with the final strike being confinement to their room.
It’s been working but my issue is my girls seem to only do what they are supposed to do when there is a consequences or if I’m around to make sure they do it. I’m discouraged. I want them to obey because it’s right—not because someone is making them. I’m afraid when they go off to college, they’ll just do whatever they feel like. You know the saying, “While the cat’s away, the mice will play.”
Am I expecting too much of them? Am I being too hard?
—A Discouraged Mama
A: Ah, you’ve expressed one of the biggest concerns parents have today—that their children won’t learn to be obedient simply because it’s the right thing to do. So we get discouraged and feel our discipline efforts are not working, and then we switch to something else because we want to reach down into their hearts and make them want to choose right for its own sake.
But we can’t. In this situation, the only person who can make the choice to do the right thing simply because it’s the right thing to do is the child. We as parents cannot change a child’s heart, no matter how much we want to or how much we can see the path they’ve chosen isn’t a good one.
However, that doesn’t mean we simply throw up our hands in despair and leave off leveling consequences altogether. No, it means we come to grips with why we’re disciplining in the first place—and with the limitations of discipline.
We discipline because we want to guide our children onto the path of righteousness. We discipline to ensure our children know—even if they don’t want to admit it by word or deed—that there is right and wrong, that doing bad things is not okay. We discipline to awaken and strengthen the child’s own fledging conscience into becoming stronger and more robust for the future. We discipline because it’s the right thing for us as parents to do.
We also recognize that consequences, no matter how appropriate, have limitations. Consequences can’t stop a child from destructive behavior in all circumstances. Consequences don’t always deter a child from misbehavior. Consequences can’t change a child’s heart.
It’s that latter truth that has parents tied up in knots. The fact that there is no perfect consequence that will make a child have an obedient heart. The most we can hope for, pray for, is that the discipline will make a child think about his or her behavior, that they will become more thoughtful and less impulsive, that they will behave better overall and not worse.
Consequences show the child that there is a price to be paid for wrongful behavior, and that’s a very important lesson. Some children learn it quickly; some children take the roundabout way and require more discipline along the road. Some children never learn it and are undisciplined even as adults.
So keep on keeping on with your discipline, and don’t worry overmuch about the future. You are laying a foundation upon which your daughters will build their lives. How they choose to use that foundation is up to them, but it’s part of our job to provide for them the firmness possible one.