I had no idea what I was getting into when I became a mother. I’m not talking about the anxious anticipation before the birth, when everything seemed possible and impossible at the same time. I don’t mean the late nights with a screaming baby who refused to nurse or sleep. Nor the tired days when I felt like a zombie. I don’t mean the longing for the baby to pick a schedule—any schedule!—and stick with it please, pretty please, before I go crazy.
What I didn’t have a clue about was the fact that I had to make so many decisions. Not about what outfit to put on my baby, but what ideological camps I would join, such as
- Breast-is-best or bottle-is-fine?
- Working mother or a stay-at-home mom?
- Organic-only or conventional food?
- Public, private or homeschool?
- Bubble-wrap or free-range?
I truly had no clue that becoming a mother meant picking sides in battles in which I didn’t want to participate. I might have breast-fed my four kids for 13 or 14 months, but that doesn’t mean I thought everyone who used formula was harming their babies. I choose to stay home but that doesn’t mean I thought working mothers should quit their jobs. I might send my children to public school, but that doesn’t mean I think that’s the right choice for all kids. I might embrace fostering independence in children but that doesn’t mean I think those who don’t are raising milquetoast kids.
But what I’ve noticed is that we certainly act like those who don’t do exactly like we do as mothers are, in fact, certifiable idiots. That they are actually hurting their children by not raising them just like us. That they must get in lock-step so that we can feel justified about our own decisions.
And frankly, that hurts deeply. It hurts every time I read another article about the Mommy Wars. It hurts every time I see another mother look browbeaten for taking out her non-organic snack at the playground. It hurts every time I see a mother in the grocery store struggling with her screaming kids and looking embarrassed by the fuss.
When are we mothers going to stop wanting, no needing, all moms to be in agreement with our parenting choices? We should be supporting each other in child-rearing, not arguing over cloth versus disposable diapers. We should be helping each other, not picking sides and lobbing word grenades at the opposing team.
Here are six ways we can halt this merry-go-round of divisiveness and work together in this calling to raise children. And yes, I’m speaking to myself as I write these, as I’ve been more apt to do the negative, than the positive.
Be helpful, not condemning. How many times do you see a mother struggling with crying kids and walk quickly past? Instead, why don’t we offer a smile and a word of encouragement? Offer to load the groceries in the van while she puts the kids in their seats? Let her go ahead of you in line? It’s the little gestures that mean more than anything when you’re in the throes of the hard parts of raising kids.
Be grateful, not superior. How many times have we seen another mother with unruly kids, for example, and thought, “I would never allow my children to behave like that?” When in reality, every single one of us has had “bad” parenting moments where our children misbehaved in public. Remembering that we are not perfect, that we all have off days, that none of us would like our parenting mishaps to be displayed for all the world to see, can help us cultivate a grateful heart instead of a superior one.
Be kind, not strident. How many times do we simply yell louder when someone doesn’t agree with our parenting position? Instead, let’s try to be kind when others have a different point of view. We’ve lost the ability to debate in a way that doesn’t shred our emotions, that doesn’t browbeat our opponents. We should be able to agree to disagree on some of the hot mommy topics. However, we must be careful not to be condescending to those who hold an opposing view, but treat them as fellow mothers alongside is on this path that is child rearing. Isn’t there room at the mothering table for both breastfed and bottle-fed babies, for instance?
Be open, not secretive. How many times have you felt able to share your worst parenting moment with friends? We should be able to tell of the time when we left our kids at the gym or dropped the baby on the floor. We should nurture an attitude of openness among our friends and families that would allow us to disclose our frustrations and our mistakes, as well as our joys and successes. We all need to unburden ourselves of our fears and our stresses, but if we don’t have a safe place to do so, we will keep those emotions bottled up inside us. That’s not good for us as mothers and it’s certainly not good for our children, either.
Be watchful, not fearful. How many times have you seen a child not your own walking or playing and berated the absent mother to yourself? Fifty years ago, mothers watched out for other children in the neighborhood, at the local playground, walking down the street. Mothers back then didn’t call the police—instead, they kept an eye on the child to make sure nothing happened to him or her. If they left the area, they would often point out the child to another mother, passing along the passive watching that ensured all children were safe. Today, our first thought is to call the police. Let’s work together on ensuring our children are safe by being willing to watch other kids while our own are playing.
Be careful, not careless. How many times have you tossed off a comment in person, on social media, or in an email that denigrated another parent? I’m just as guilty as the next person for making remarks about moms I haven’t met—and those I have. We should have more care in how we talk about other mothers, even if we’re not being overly mean. We never know when a careless comment can find its mark and devastate a mother’s heart. The more careful we are in our speech about mothers and mothering, the more we can build a better environment where all mothers feel safe and secure.
Raising children has its own challenges—let’s not make it harder with our careless speech, our strident tone, our fearful attitude, our secretive nature, our superior outlook or our condemning spirit. If we all strive together to be helpful, kind, grateful, careful, watchful and open, we can change mothering—and mothers—for the better.