Blending a Family

Q: We will be blending a family, with a brother (11 years old) and sister (9 years old) soon to be siblings with a boy (12 years old). The boys haven’t been getting along, and we are finding ourselves constantly in the middle mediating between the two of them! What are good ways to spend time with the children all together? And will the fighting ever stop?

Image courtesy of amenic181/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of amenic181/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: Blending a family is not unlike making a cake—add the ingredients out of order, whip too hard or forget a crucial component, and things don’t turn out so hot. Above all, don’t expect things to calm down right away. Depending on whether you’re moving to a new house to both of you (highly recommended if at all possible–puts all kids on even ground) or to a house one of you currently lives in, you’ll have to navigate these waters carefully. But it can be done!

Here are a few general tips (I cover blended families and sibling conflict more thoroughly in my book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace):

Schedule one-on-one time. Make sure each child spends alone time with his/her parent on a regular basis—and with the step-parent as well. Schedule this time in advance and make it a priority. Seeing it on the family calendar will show each child that this is as important to you as it is to them. It will make the world of difference. On these outings, let the child guide the conversation and try not to bring up the other siblings.

Don’t expect the kids to do everything together. If one boy did soccer, the other one doesn’t have to join his team, for example. Let them have their own area in the home, too, whether it’s their room or a certain part of their room that’s theirs–and help them keep the other siblings away from that place. Having a place of their own, and the time to spend there by themselves, will help smooth ruffled feathers and give each child breathing room.

Spend time together. Let the kids suggest and rotate who gets to pick (let them pick numbers out of a hat to decide the order). Sure, they might grumble about it, but if you ignore most of that, it will soon go away (and allow the kid to start participating without worrying about an “I said you would enjoy it” from a parent). At the beginning, you might have to pick the event or activity, but as long as you make it non-optional to attend, the newly formed sibling group will likely begin to act better.

Treat all kids like yours. You are parents to all three now, so act like it. Don’t play favorites, don’t allow misbehavior in yours and not in “his.” If you go forward like all three kids are “real” siblings and not “step” brothers and sister, that will set the right tone in your home and the kids will likely follow your lead.

May 2015 Practical Parenting: Let’s Ditch Being “Mean” Moms

I had no idea what I was getting into when I became a mother. I’m not talking about the anxious anticipation before the birth, when everything seemed possible and impossible at the same time. I don’t mean the late nights with a screaming baby who refused to nurse or sleep. Nor the tired days when I felt like a zombie. I don’t mean the longing for the baby to pick a schedule—any schedule!—and stick with it please, pretty please, before I go crazy.

What I didn’t have a clue about was the fact that I had to make so many decisions. Not about what outfit to put on my baby, but what ideological camps I would join, such as

  • Breast-is-best or bottle-is-fine?
  • Working mother or a stay-at-home mom?
  • Organic-only or conventional food?
  • Public, private or homeschool?
  • Bubble-wrap or free-range?

I truly had no clue that becoming a mother meant picking sides in battles in which I didn’t want to participate. I might have breast-fed my four kids for 13 or 14 months, but that doesn’t mean I thought everyone who used formula was harming their babies. I choose to stay home but that doesn’t mean I thought working mothers should quit their jobs. I might send my children to public school, but that doesn’t mean I think that’s the right choice for all kids. I might embrace fostering independence in children but that doesn’t mean I think those who don’t are raising milquetoast kids.

But what I’ve noticed is that we certainly act like those who don’t do exactly like we do as mothers are, in fact, certifiable idiots. That they are actually hurting their children by not raising them just like us. That they must get in lock-step so that we can feel justified about our own decisions.

And frankly, that hurts deeply. It hurts every time I read another article about the Mommy Wars. It hurts every time I see another mother look browbeaten for taking out her non-organic snack at the playground. It hurts every time I see a mother in the grocery store struggling with her screaming kids and looking embarrassed by the fuss.

When are we mothers going to stop wanting, no needing, all moms to be in agreement with our parenting choices? We should be supporting each other in child-rearing, not arguing over cloth versus disposable diapers. We should be helping each other, not picking sides and lobbing word grenades at the opposing team.

Here are six ways we can halt this merry-go-round of divisiveness and work together in this calling to raise children. And yes, I’m speaking to myself as I write these, as I’ve been more apt to do the negative, than the positive.

Be helpful, not condemning. How many times do you see a mother struggling with crying kids and walk quickly past? Instead, why don’t we offer a smile and a word of encouragement? Offer to load the groceries in the van while she puts the kids in their seats? Let her go ahead of you in line? It’s the little gestures that mean more than anything when you’re in the throes of the hard parts of raising kids.

Be grateful, not superior. How many times have we seen another mother with unruly kids, for example, and thought, “I would never allow my children to behave like that?” When in reality, every single one of us has had “bad” parenting moments where our children misbehaved in public. Remembering that we are not perfect, that we all have off days, that none of us would like our parenting mishaps to be displayed for all the world to see, can help us cultivate a grateful heart instead of a superior one.

Be kind, not strident. How many times do we simply yell louder when someone doesn’t agree with our parenting position? Instead, let’s try to be kind when others have a different point of view. We’ve lost the ability to debate in a way that doesn’t shred our emotions, that doesn’t browbeat our opponents. We should be able to agree to disagree on some of the hot mommy topics. However, we must be careful not to be condescending to those who hold an opposing view, but treat them as fellow mothers alongside is on this path that is child rearing. Isn’t there room at the mothering table for both breastfed and bottle-fed babies, for instance?

Be open, not secretive. How many times have you felt able to share your worst parenting moment with friends? We should be able to tell of the time when we left our kids at the gym or dropped the baby on the floor. We should nurture an attitude of openness among our friends and families that would allow us to disclose our frustrations and our mistakes, as well as our joys and successes. We all need to unburden ourselves of our fears and our stresses, but if we don’t have a safe place to do so, we will keep those emotions bottled up inside us. That’s not good for us as mothers and it’s certainly not good for our children, either.

Be watchful, not fearful. How many times have you seen a child not your own walking or playing and berated the absent mother to yourself? Fifty years ago, mothers watched out for other children in the neighborhood, at the local playground, walking down the street. Mothers back then didn’t call the police—instead, they kept an eye on the child to make sure nothing happened to him or her. If they left the area, they would often point out the child to another mother, passing along the passive watching that ensured all children were safe. Today, our first thought is to call the police. Let’s work together on ensuring our children are safe by being willing to watch other kids while our own are playing.

Be careful, not careless. How many times have you tossed off a comment in person, on social media, or in an email that denigrated another parent? I’m just as guilty as the next person for making remarks about moms I haven’t met—and those I have. We should have more care in how we talk about other mothers, even if we’re not being overly mean. We never know when a careless comment can find its mark and devastate a mother’s heart. The more careful we are in our speech about mothers and mothering, the more we can build a better environment where all mothers feel safe and secure.

Raising children has its own challenges—let’s not make it harder with our careless speech, our strident tone, our fearful attitude, our secretive nature, our superior outlook or our condemning spirit. If we all strive together to be helpful, kind, grateful, careful, watchful and open, we can change mothering—and mothers—for the better.

Surviving Summer Travel With Kids

With gas prices generally hovering below $3 across the country, many families will be hitting the road this summer—and some parents are already dreading the noise and fighting between their children. While nobody can design a perfect getaway, a little planning and thought can help parents prevent a vacation derailment.

Today our kids are kept busy nearly every minute of the day, so to even think of putting a child in a car for any duration of time and expect that they can just enjoy the ride puts most parents into fear mode, expecting the worst. But your vacation doesn’t have to begin with stressing about the getting there.

While it might seem easier to pop in a DVD or allow kids various screens to keep them quiet for the trip, reliance on electronic devices can rob a child of seeing the beauties around him and of interacting with the family. There are 9 ways to help your kids entertain themselves during a long car or plane ride. Here are X tips for a calmer and more relaxed trip.

  1. Plan for travel time. No, I’m not talking about which route to take. We usually have what we’ll do when we arrive at our destination mapped out, from sites to see to a place to stay. What we too often forget is to plan how the trip there will look like, whether it’s via plane or car.
  1. Remind kids of behavior expectations. Parents should clearly state what is expected in relation to behavior while traveling. Remind the children of the car rules, such as keeping all body parts to yourself and no shouting. Pick two or three behaviors that absolutely need to be controlled in a confined space and relate those to the children.
  1. Turn up the volume. Audio books or stories and music can be a fun way to pass the time. Pick books that appeal to all ages—and make sure it’s a title the adults can tolerate as well. Let each child pick one or two CDs to bring along for the trip or allow them a time slot, such as half an hour, to pick the radio station. Some of our favorites include Elvis Presley’s Number One Hits and anything by Johnny Cash.
  1. Simple is better. Give kids paper, pencils, a clipboard and fun stickers. We always get each child a new activity, puzzle or coloring book for the trip. Colored pencils work better than markers or crayons in a confined space. Be sure to pack portable pencil sharpeners and extra erasers.
  1. Interact with the family. Being confined in the car can spark interesting and fruitful conversations. Schedule time to play a car game as a family, such as right after lunch. Resurrect oldies but goodies such as the license plate game (trying to find all 50 states on car license plates), the alphabet game (looking at signs, vehicles, etc., for all the letters of the alphabet in order) or twenty questions. You can also make or purchase travel games, such as Example here.
  1. Have a snack plan. Figure out portable snacks, like granola bars and fruit leather, ahead of time. Give each child a refillable water bottle for the trip, too. Being able to toss back sustenance during a traffic jam that has delayed you can be a life-saver. Be sure to pack some baby wipes for cleaning up sticky fingers, faces and messes in the car.
  1. Give a child ownership. Have each child pack her own backpack of parent-approved car toys, books and travel-sized games. Suggested items for little ones include magnetic tiles, storyboards and small figurines and vehicles.
  1. Schedule breaks. Remember that children, especially younger ones, need frequent stops. Plan your trip accordingly by stopping every two to three hours to get gas, take a bathroom break or eat lunch. Being able to stretch your legs will often keep everyone from getting too confined.
  1. Plan for discipline. Riding in a car or on a plane for extended periods of time can trigger conflict. Expecting issues to crop up—and knowing ahead of time how you’ll handle them—can help you to avoid big blow-ups.

Tickets are a great source for this. Just give each child three to five slips of colored paper or cardboard, post a list of the top three targeted misbehavior (name calling, hitting/slapping/pinching a sibling, or whatever your children usually do to annoy each other in the car), then simply take a ticket when the misbehavior happens.

Thinking about the actual drive time or plane ride prior to departure can ensure a more positive experience for both parents and children. Start kids thinking about their car bags a few weeks before leaving, and make sure to go over the bag contents with them ahead of time.

When College Kids Come Home

Q: My 18-year-old daughter has come home for the summer after her freshman year of college. She had a good year, but now she seems distant in her relationship with us. We’ve had some good discussions in the past few months, but now that she’s home, things have been a bit rocky.

While the strictures of the private college she attended chaffed at her, they are similar to our own “house” rules. Most of the time, her rebellion takes the form of minor things, like wanting to dress differently, but I’m worried that she will branch out now that school and the impact of her attitude and decisions will have on her younger siblings.

Image courtesy of stockimages/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of stockimages/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How should we handle this?

A: The transition from the freedom of college to the home of your childhood can indeed be a rocky one at times. But that doesn’t mean it has to dissolve into a very stressful situation. Here are some things to keep in mind going forward with your daughter.

  1. She’s an adult now. Furthermore, she’s had a taste of grownup freedom being away from Mom and Dad at college. That doesn’t mean she can do whatever she wants in your home, but it does mean that you give her more leeway in decisions that are not crucial. So I would not say anything about her clothing (as long as she’s buying it) and other minor issues.
  2. Ditch the lecturing. She’s trying to figure things out for herself, and that’s a good thing. Resist slipping into lecture mood and instead focus on having real, honest conversation with her. Find ways to simply talk to her, ask her about how she’s changed over the past year, what she found interesting in her classes, what she thinks about current events or movies, ask her opinion on grownup things when appropriate, etc. Encourage back-and-forth with her and listen—mostly just listen to her without interjecting your opinions as much as you’ll want to. You do know more than she does, but let her figure that out for herself.
  3. Draw up a simple contract. Outline the basics of what you’d like her to do when she’s home, such as what chores she’ll be responsible for and what things you will provide for her. Make it very simple, very basic (not more than a page at the most!). Let her go over it, then discuss it with you and be open to her suggestions. You might be surprised at the compromises she comes up with.
  4. Love her. She’s probably being rather difficult right now, and in your wisdom, you see where she might be going astray. Of course, you don’t want her to be hurt in any way, but you must let her make her own mistakes and have her own hurts. Cook her favorite foods. Suggest her favorite activities as a family. Find little ways to show her how much you love her.
  5. Don’t worry about the younger siblings. They are watching how you handle the situation much more than what the situation is. The more you love her and show her that love in your interactions, the more her younger brothers and sisters will feel safe and secure in knowing that as they test their own wings, you will be there for them.

A Returning Student Brings Summertime Blues

Q: My 18-year-old daughter has finished her freshman year of college. While it’s been a good year, she’s become rather distant in her relationship with us. We have good conversations sometimes, but most of the time she appears disrespectful toward her mother and myself.

I don’t want the summer to be a stressful time, but I’m afraid it will be, given that she seems to not want to adhere to our standards or house rules. For example, she wants to dress how she’d like. I know those are rather minor things in some ways, but we feel dishonored by her jettisoning our values in this way.

Should we discuss these issues with her now or wait and address situations as they arise? Should we ignore her disregard for our standards? Should we worry about what message that sends to the younger siblings?

Image courtesy of Ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of Ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: The transition from the freedom of college to your childhood home can be a rocky one at times. But it doesn’t have to be! She’s still young in many ways, and so it falls on you and your wife to be the adults in this situation. Here are the main points to keep in mind when dealing with your daughter:

  1. She’s an adult now. That doesn’t mean she can do whatever she wants in your home, but it does mean that you give her more leeway in decisions that are not crucial. So I would not say anything about her clothing (as long as she’s buying) and other minor issues. On the flip side, that doesn’t mean you give her a free pass to drink or break the law.
  2. Ditch the lecturing. She’s trying to figure things out for herself, and that’s a good thing, so try to resist lecturing her and try instead to engage in honest conversation. Find ways to simply talk to her, ask her about how she’s changed over the past year, what she found interesting in her classes, in a way that encourages back-and-forth with her. And listen. Mostly just listen to her without interjecting your opinions as much as you’ll want to.
  3. Draw up a simple contract. Outline the basics of what you’d like her to do when she’s home, such as what chores she’ll be responsible for and what things you will provide for her. This should be a one-page, very simple, very basic document. Let her go over it and then discuss it with you and be open to her suggestions. Be willing to compromise yet hold to your convictions.
  4. Love her. She’s probably being rather difficult right now and in your wisdom, you see where she might be going astray. Of course, you don’t want her to be hurt in any way, but you must let her figure out things on her own–and that might mean she will get hurt sometimes. Cook her favorite foods. Suggest her favorite activities as a family. Find little ways to show her how much you love her.

Finally, don’t worry about the message her behavior might send to younger sibs. They are watching how you handle the situation much more than what the situation is. The more you love her and show her that love in your interactions, the more they will feel safe and secure in knowing that as they test their own wings, you will be there for them.

What’s in a Name?

Sticks and stones might break my bones but words will never hurt me.

Whoever came up with that little ditty must not have been called names very often. Anyone who’s ever been called stupid, moron, goody two shoes, dumb, and other childhood names can attest to the fact that those words hurt like an arrow to the heart.

Unfortunately, our children will likely not escape childhood without having someone—a friend, a neighbor, a classmate or a sibling—hurl a hurtful name at them. Sometimes, our kids will be the ones shouting the despicable names at someone else.

Here are some ways to help a child from both sides—the name caller and the name callee.IMG_3035

Calling Names
Chances are, you’ve heard your child call someone a not-so-nice name. This is perfectly natural, given our own selfish hearts! But this is something you want to nip in the bud before it has time to become a nasty habit. So levy consequences for each name-calling incident. Remind the child why name calling is forbidden (it’s hurtful, it’s mean, it’s simply not how we should treat anyone, regardless of how that person treated us). Develop alternative methods to handling frustration or anger, which are two of the key triggers to name calling.

Being Called Names
There’s not a single best way to teach a child to handle name calling for the simple fact that it’s tricky at any age to know what to do when someone says something outrageous or hurtful, but especially for a child.

In the moment, the child can simply walk away. Usually, removing oneself from the situation will defuse it and not allow it to escalate for either child. Ignoring the name calling–while hard–generally shuts down the other child. But it’s not a foolproof method, to which I’m sure many of us can attest.

Practice with your son or daughter on what to say to another child who might call them a name. What should they say? How could they react? This type of role playing is especially helpful because if a child has practiced something, she’s more apt to use it in a real life situation.

You should also talk with your child briefly about the incident. Remind her that while name-calling can hurt, it doesn’t define her as a person (i.e., she’s not stupid). If it’s in response to her not knowing something or being able to accomplish something, then tell her that there’s things you don’t know or can’t do yet. That’s why she’s in school and why you’re continually learning things yourself.

Finally, discuss why the classmate, friend or neighbor might be calling her names. It could be doing so because of her own bad feelings about herself. Maybe her home isn’t as nice as your daughter’s is. Maybe the other kid is struggling in school. Maybe she just had a fight with her best friend. Thinking of the other person and considering the whys behind the words can take the sting out of the words and also help your child develop compassion and empathy towards others. It also helps her not see herself as a victim and the other child as a villain, which is essential to them both putting the situation behind them

Being called a name isn’t the most pleasant experience, but with a little assistance from Mom and Dad, we can help our children move beyond the incident and into a brighter future.

Until next time,
Sarah

A Child’s Imagination Is a Terrible Thing to Waste, April 2015 Practical Parenting

The pair of them stood there, giggling, eyes wide with excitement. I half-smiled as I asked what they wanted, thinking their request probably had something to do with a sweet snack since I was standing in the kitchen.

“Mommy, we want to play Cinderella,” my oldest daughter announced with all the enthusiasm of a nearly five-year-old.

I should have known they would bring a princess into it, given that Naomi and her younger sister, Leah, loved all things princess-y. “Okay,” I answered cautiously. “What does that mean?”

The two girls exchanged glances, then Naomi said, “We want to wash the kitchen floor.”

Image courtesy of artur84/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of artur84/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Yeah,” three-year-old Leah chimed in, nodding her head vigorously, “so we can pretend the evil stepmother made us work hard.”

Smothering a laugh, I reached for a small plastic bowl, filled it with water, added two rags, then let them play Cinderella on their hands and knees on the kitchen floor.

Ah, the power of an active imagination that can turn a “chore” into a fantasy game. Those two washed that kitchen floor more times than I can remember during their      princess phase (which also include roping their younger brothers into being princes). Over the years, their pretend play has morphed into cops and robbers, pirates,  hopping ball Olympics, great escapes, and a host of other creative and silly storylines. Even now, my four kids (ages 6, 8, 10 and 12) engage in elaborate pretenses  involving numerous elements and rules.

While some parents might view such shenanigans as non-productive, recent studies suggest that pretend play benefits a child in more ways than previously thought. For  example, one Psychology Today article said that such play enhances cognitive abilities, such as language usage, and the “theory of mind,” which helps us realize others  have different thoughts and perspectives than we do. Playing dress up and made-up games provides a safe learning environment where kids pick up social and emotional skills, as well as a better thinking ability.

Many of the studies focus on the preschool and early elementary school years as crucial to the development of pretend play, but I think the benefits of encouraging fantasy in our kids goes beyond age 6. For example, my fifth grader has to write a paper on a family event, which she has tackled with ease given her strong storytelling skills honed by her continued pretend play.

Pretending also helps children manage what-if situations, such as if I was captured by pirates, what would I do? Thinking through improbable situations can assist children in handling real world problems with less frustration and anxiety.

The good news is that you can still help your child reach his imagination potential, no matter how old he is. Here are 6 ways you can encourage his imagination development.

  1. Unplug the electronics. No matter how “educational” a program or app is, watching a screen requires very little in the way of brain power for any child. With the screen doing the work for her, she has no reason to fire up her own imagination. Instead of setting strict screen time limits, try having “screen-free” time zones, such as starting at suppertime and extending until bedtime for young children. For teens, perhaps all electronic devices go into the basket at 8 p.m. The less screen time your child has, the more his imagination will have room to soar.
  1. Get outside. With warm weather on the horizon—and the fresh, clean hint of spring in the air—kicking the kids outside more shouldn’t be too difficult. Nature provides a wonderful way for children and teens to find peace and purpose. As Richard Louv puts it in his excellent book, Last Child in the Woods, “nature inspires creativity in a child by demanding visualization and the full use of the senses.” Fresh air, sunshine, the world waking up with the renewing cycle of spring all conspire to push a child’s inventiveness to fruition.
  1. Read good books. While we often read to our preschoolers, sometimes that drops off as the children age. Even older children and teens enjoy hearing stories, so grab some interesting books and dive in. Pick ones that challenge and invigorate their minds, ones that paint spectacular word pictures and show them a world beyond the four walls of their life. Some suggestions include Little House on the Prairie, Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang, Because of Winn-Dixie, The Count of Monte Cristo, Tom Sawyer and Jane Eyre. Ask your local librarian for titles that lend themselves well to reading aloud.
  1. Join in the fun. Sometimes, you have to help your child’s imagination along by playing with him. Jump in and wave your magic “wand” to turn everyone into animals, then plan an escape from the zoo to have a tea party with fairies. Or walk the plank and find a new adventure under the sea. One note of caution: after setting up the initial scene, take your cues from the kids and play along with their storylines. After 10 minutes or so, ease back and quietly exit the stage, leaving the play to the kids.
  1. Provide the proper tools. Empty boxes, building supplies (LEGOs, blocks, magnet tiles, etc.), blank paper and pastel chalk, and other non-electronically powered toys that can double or triple as something else are keys to imaginative play. Kids can use a box to build an airplane or a submarine, a rocket or a space ship. Building materials morph into skyscrapers and prisons, while blank paper can be transformed into crowns or scenery. The possibilities are endless with the right tools and a bit of creativity.
  1. Give them time. Organized sports and other activities are great, but not if a child is so involved with after school things he has no time left to play. One of the greatest gifts you can give your child is time of his own. Time that he can spend being a kid, thinking about nothing and everything, playing with friends or by himself. That unstructured time can be a huge blessing—and a surefire way to spur creative thought and play.

Above all, remember that when your children are pretending, they’re not wasting time—they are building strong imagination muscles, solidifying language paths, exploring new territory and forging possible identities. Our role as parents in this exploration is to make sure they have the time and space in which to soar to heights unknown.

Revolving Door at Bedtime

Q: Our nine-year-old won’t stay in his room. He’ll be in and out, to use the bathroom, get a drink, and other excuses. He also has been reading after lights-out, hiding his reading by using a smuggled flashlight or putting a pair of pants across the base of his door to block the light. When we catch him with a book, he becomes a drama king, claiming “It’s very hard to quit” and then promises to not do it again…only to be caught a half hour later.

We’re tired of him coming out of his room a lot and policing his reading. We’re also tired of having him cranky in the mornings because he stays up too late reading. How do we put a stop to this behavior?

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: I think nearly every parent has experienced the jack-in-the-box of bedtime. A child who continually bounces out of the room no matter what you say. When your words have no effect on a child’s behavior, that generally means it’s time to stop talking and take action.

Because you know how much he loves to read, you have the perfect opportunity to motivate him to stay in his room, lights out, when it’s bedtime.

First, while he’s at school or out of the house, remove all books from his room and place them temporarily in another part of the house.

Second, hang a necklace or other object that can loop over the door handle of his room. Put this on the inside door knob.

Third, allow him to take only the current book he’s reading to bed—check his room beforehand to make sure no contraband books have been brought in when you weren’t looking.

Fourth, put him to bed 15 minutes early but allow him to stay up reading for those 15 minutes. He’s allowed out of his room until his normal bedtime.

Fifth, at lights out, remove the book from his room. At this point, tell him that he may come out of his room only once for any reason, but he must bring you the object hanging on the back of his door. No object, no exit.

He will test you by coming out more than once. Simply send him back to bed with a firm, “Stay in your room.”

Put up a chart for 30 days on the fridge (blocks numbered 1 to 30). This is preparation for the consequences the next day.

The next day, when he reaches for a book, say (the more sorrowful the voice the better), “Dear, I’m very sorry but reading is off limits until you can stay in your room after lights out for 30 days. You’ll have one time per evening to come out.”

He will probably throw a fit, but just shake his head. If you find him reading a book, magazine, newspaper, etc., then simply take down the existing chart and put up a brand new one even if he’s on day 29.

Some might label this overkill and worry that it will make your son not like reading. However, when something is as dear to a child’s heart as reading is to your son, then removal of that object/pastime in the short run will make such an impression upon him, that you will likely not have to do such a thing in the future. He will remember this for a long time, and probably choose obedience in other areas as well to avoid a similar action in the future.

A Love of Money

Q: I need some guidance on allowance. My 9-year-old has always been Mr. Money. He loves it and will do anything to get it—and then spends it at the first opportunity. Granted, he is very generous and frequently uses it to buy things for other people, and we always encourage giving to church and charity and savings. While we don’t connect chores to allowance, we sometimes let him earn extra money by doing special jobs. However, what usually happens is as soon as he blows his money, he immediately wants to start doing jobs to earn more.

I doubt this cycle of spend-earn-repeat is teaching him good money management. If I let him do more jobs, then he doesn’t see the need to restrain himself from a spending spree because he thinks he can just go home and earn more. We need to set some boundaries here, but I need help!

A: Guiding kids to a life of good money management is usually a top concern among parents. Kudos to you for not connecting chores to allowance, which is a mistake many parents make. Chores are done because children are part of the family, and shouldn’t be rewarded with money.

However, you’re also right in that he needs to develop some good money management foundations. That foundation should be one that emphasizes living within his means, which translates into your not advancing funds to him for any reason. As I tell my children, I am not an ATM or credit card—allowance is paid each Saturday and not before. Overall, showing him how you and your spouse live within your means is the number one way that he’ll learn that concept.

Also watch how you talk about money. Don’t use words like, “We can’t afford that” when not wanting to spend your money on an item or event. Instead, say, “We are not choosing to spend our money that way.” That makes it more about choice instead of how much money you have. We also talk about budgets with our kids. For instance, when shoe shopping recently, I pointed out the high end price I was willing to pay and then let the children look for themselves within that range.

Image courtesy of junpinzon/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of junpinzon/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

You can help your son manage his money better by setting up three jars labeled Spend, Save and Give. He should divide his allowance each week into those three jars. The only stipulation I would make is that the amount must be larger than a nickel (no single pennies!). The Save and Give jars cannot be emptied to buy things for himself. You can let him decide where to donate the Give amount when it reaches $1 unless you wish him to give that every week in the church offering or something similar. For the Save, it’s merely like a visible bank for him to watch money accumulate.

Allow him to spend the rest as he sees fit. Yes, this means he will likely blow through his money quickly, but that’s okay. It is his money, and you can suggest but I wouldn’t stop him (other than saying you’re not making a special trip to the store for him).

I would also stop the special jobs for payment because he’s using those as his personal ATM—and a sort of cushion against totally being broke. Just say that you’ve decided to eliminate that option.

Finally, don’t forget to talk about money with him on a regular basis. For example, take him grocery shopping with him and talk about how to pick the best produce and figure out what you’ll pay for it. Let him add up coupons to see how much you’ll save. Discuss why buying the store brand can help save more money over a name brand—and taste just as good most of the time. Interacting with the real world about money and what things cost is one of the best lessons we can give our children.

When a Boy Likes a Girl

Q: My 14-year-old son, who will be entering high school in the fall, has been talking to girls. It appears that he might even have a girlfriend. My sister said I need to talk with him about the birds and the bees, but as a single mother, I have no idea how to approach this topic. Help! I don’t want to be grandma at 40. I guess I am freaking out. How can my baby boy have a girl friend and what should I do about it?

Image courtesy of stockimages/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of stockimages/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: First of all, this isn’t the end of the world, given that a boy is bound to express interest in a girl sometime during his teen years. And at this age, it’s not at all unusual that his “girl friend” is no more than a girl he likes to text and talk to at school.

If he’s in public school, he’s most likely already had the basic biology of sex. So that leaves talking with him about your values. But this will go better if it’s not one big talk all at once, but a series of little discussions scattered over a period of time. Also, remember that your son will respond more positively if you don’t lecture him but open up a dialogue about girls. You might want to ask a male family friend or relative to have some of these talks, as a young teen might be more comfortable discussing his feelings (and subsequent physical urges) with another male, rather than his mother.

But you can start by asking him about this girl he likes. What is it that attracts him? Ask him how he thinks a girl should be treated, etc.

In addition, having general conversations about respect and “no means no,” and what to do if he finds himself in certain situations, such as if his friends are talking dirty about a girl, or looking at unclad women, etc. Your male friend might be a good source to help your son sort out these sticky questions.

Overall, you want to have an open dialogue with your son about this and other tough topics. The more approachable—and less judgmental or preachy—you are, the more likely he will be to share what’s on his mind or heart.

Remember, that we as parents can only do the right thing—to help guide our children in the way they should go. We have to leave the actual heart changes up to God.