Set Dating Ground Rules Early

By Mary L. Hamilton

The first week of sixth grade, a girl invited my son to see a movie with her and another couple. “It’s not a date,” my son argued. I countered that while he may not think of it as that, any girl bold enough to ask him to a movie is definitely thinking of it as a date. And no, he could not accept this invitation.

I well remember my own desire to date in junior high school. I’d struck up a friendship with an older boy who rode my bus. I was 14 when he asked me out, and felt deeply flattered that a boy three years older than me found me attractive and mature enough to date.

With my best friend beside me for moral support, I worked up the courage to ask my parents if I could go out with him. In spite of my begging, pleading and crying, their answer was a firm no. I was not allowed to date anyone until I turned 16. My parents made a couple exceptions for special occasions like the homecoming dance, but otherwise, they held firm to their convictions.

I am so thankful they did! Once I entered high school, I saw more of the boy who had asked me out. I noticed how others perceived him, and how his character played out in everyday life at school. It didn’t take me long to realize he wasn’t exactly the type of boy I wanted to date. Along with the difference in our ages, we had little in common. It’s amazing how a couple years can change one’s understanding and perspective, especially in the teen years.

With that in mind, my husband and I established these rules for dating that worked well to ease our three children into the realm of dating.

  1. We acknowledged that special feelings for the opposite sex are normal and to be expected, but we emphasized that our emotions are not dependable as they tend to change often. At this stage, it’s best to work on being friends without the pressure of being boyfriend/girlfriend. Find activities to do in large groups where you can observe how the person behaves and interacts with others. Learn what interests you have in common. Focus on being friends by learning how to talk and be kind to each other.
  2. No one of the opposite sex is allowed inside the house while parents are not home. And when we were home, there was no hanging out in the bedroom, even with the door open. I explained that I trusted them now, but if they made a habit of entertaining a boyfriend or girlfriend in their bedroom, some day, some time, the temptation would become too great. I wanted to help them avoid those unintended, and sometimes wanted, consequences.
  3. Our school’s end-of-year 8th grade dance served as a marker. From that point on, the kids were allowed to group date, meaning there had to be at least five people in the group.
  4. At the age of 15, our children were allowed to double date, which meant they could go out with another couple.
  5. At 16, we permitted single dates. However, unless they were at a school-sponsored function or we knew the parents of the home where they were staying, they had to be home by midnight. The old saying, “Nothing good happens after midnight” is still true.

With social media and the sexualization of younger and younger children, the pressure to date is happening earlier all the time. Set your guidelines and rules ahead of time, and stick with them. Kids don’t know how vulnerable they are to situations they may not be mature enough to handle. Stand firm as their protector. In the end, you’ll both be glad you did.

About Mary L. Hamilton
Mary L. Hamilton is the author of The Rustic Knoll Bible Camp series for middle grade and YA readers. Her newest release, Pendant, is a cozy mystery that appeals particularly to women. She and her husband are enjoying the empty nest now that their three kids are grown. Their favorite date is heading to a nearby lake to watch the sunset.

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