Q: My 18-year-old daughter has come home for the summer after her freshman year of college. She had a good year, but now she seems distant in her relationship with us. We’ve had some good discussions in the past few months, but now that she’s home, things have been a bit rocky.
While the strictures of the private college she attended chaffed at her, they are similar to our own “house” rules. Most of the time, her rebellion takes the form of minor things, like wanting to dress differently, but I’m worried that she will branch out now that school and the impact of her attitude and decisions will have on her younger siblings.
How should we handle this?
A: The transition from the freedom of college to the home of your childhood can indeed be a rocky one at times. But that doesn’t mean it has to dissolve into a very stressful situation. Here are some things to keep in mind going forward with your daughter.
- She’s an adult now. Furthermore, she’s had a taste of grownup freedom being away from Mom and Dad at college. That doesn’t mean she can do whatever she wants in your home, but it does mean that you give her more leeway in decisions that are not crucial. So I would not say anything about her clothing (as long as she’s buying it) and other minor issues.
- Ditch the lecturing. She’s trying to figure things out for herself, and that’s a good thing. Resist slipping into lecture mood and instead focus on having real, honest conversation with her. Find ways to simply talk to her, ask her about how she’s changed over the past year, what she found interesting in her classes, what she thinks about current events or movies, ask her opinion on grownup things when appropriate, etc. Encourage back-and-forth with her and listen—mostly just listen to her without interjecting your opinions as much as you’ll want to. You do know more than she does, but let her figure that out for herself.
- Draw up a simple contract. Outline the basics of what you’d like her to do when she’s home, such as what chores she’ll be responsible for and what things you will provide for her. Make it very simple, very basic (not more than a page at the most!). Let her go over it, then discuss it with you and be open to her suggestions. You might be surprised at the compromises she comes up with.
- Love her. She’s probably being rather difficult right now, and in your wisdom, you see where she might be going astray. Of course, you don’t want her to be hurt in any way, but you must let her make her own mistakes and have her own hurts. Cook her favorite foods. Suggest her favorite activities as a family. Find little ways to show her how much you love her.
- Don’t worry about the younger siblings. They are watching how you handle the situation much more than what the situation is. The more you love her and show her that love in your interactions, the more her younger brothers and sisters will feel safe and secure in knowing that as they test their own wings, you will be there for them.