Adjusting to the Arrival of a Second Child

By Stephen W. Hiemstra

After our firstborn arrived, my wife, Maryam, refused to leave her alone with anyone. On rare occasions, I might watch her, but almost no one else. As she drew closer to delivering our second child, Maryam’s attachment to her firstborn became a concern.

The night before the new baby arrived, Maryam had trouble sleeping. She went into irregular labor early in the morning, but her labor did not move towards regular contractions every 10 minutes, as parents are told to expect. We had not taken a child-birth class and did not know how to respond. After having labor pains all night, by five o’clock in the morning I became concerned. We debated calling my sister-in-law to watch our child, but Maryam refused to call. By five-thirty, I called my sister-in-law.

My sister-in-law came over right away. Maryam and I called ahead to Inova Fairfax Hospital, then drove there. On arrival, we checked into the natal unit and we settled in for a long wait, expecting a lengthy delivery as with our first child. However, the doctors examined Maryam briefly, announced that she needed an emergency Cesarean delivery, and whisked us immediately into the delivery room. The delivery went fine and our second child was born—a beautiful baby girl—but Maryam had to stay longer in the hospital than planned.

When our oldest and I arrived at the hospital the next day to visit, she held onto me rather than running immediately to her mother. Maryam was not happy!

In the following months, the family division of labor changed dramatically. Maryam could manage one child by herself, but having two required teamwork. A single child gets a lot of attention that cannot be sustained with two, because one of them always moves around or needs something. When our first arrived, I bought a new 35 mm, single lens reflect camera and filmed her every move, but when our second arrived, we seldom had time to photograph.

Adding to our adjustments, our second child experienced more colic than her sister, which left us tired all the time. No one wants a crying baby around. I remember being told undiplomatically one Sunday morning to move to the back of the church, because our firstborn was making too much noise. Unlike the 1950s, churches today mostly lack a cry room and expect parents either to disappear during worship or to delegate care to someone else, which we never did.

Instead, we learned to cope and adjust, as all new parents do.

This blog post was abstracted and edited from Called Along the Way: A Spiritual Memoir by Stephen Hiemstra. (T2Pneuma Publishers LLC, 2017). Used with permission.

About Stephen W. Hiemstra

Stephen Hiemstra lives in Centreville, Va., with Maryam, his wife of more than 30 years. Together, they have three grown children.

Stephen worked as an economist for 27 years in more than five federal agencies, where he published numerous government studies, magazine articles, and book reviews. He wrote his first book, A Christian Guide to Spirituality in 2014. In 2015, he translated and published a Spanish edition, Una Guía Cristiana a la Espiritualidad. His second book, Life in Tension, focuses on Christian spirituality. This year, he published a memoir, Called Along the Way. Correspond with Stephen at T2Pneuma@gmail.com or follow his blog at http://www.T2Pneuma.net.

 

 

Developing Family Devotions

By Karen Whiting

My daughter Rebecca remarked, “My earliest memories all center around family devotions. They were my favorite times.” Devotions became the heart of our family life. Through the years I realized family devotions provide many hidden benefits.

Devotions build cognitive and communication skills. Reading the Bible enriches vocabulary and builds reading comprehension. Discussions help children think analytically. They learn to share ideas.

Family bonds grow strong with devotions. When we faced the devastation of Hurricane Andrew and $99,000 in damages, my children faced it with courage. We studied Nehemiah as we rebuilt, which covers both rebuilding the wall and the hearts of the people, and that bridged our needs too.

How we actually do devotions and keep going? There’s no set format but generally you’ll share scripture or a passage and discuss it. It’s more fun with hands-on fun added. We used a lot of materials and developed our own. When something didn’t work, we changed direction.

During our children’s elementary years, we included drama, science experiments, games and cooking. The object lesson format worked well. We invested in good materials.

As the children hit teen years, they wanted to dig deeper with adult studies on topics relevant to their lives. We used concordances, a biblical cyclopedic index and other resource materials. We responded to their needs.

What can you do? Here are some tips to make devotions work for your family.

  1. Buy a family devotional, journals and appropriate Bibles for each child.
  2. Be enthusiastic. Make a treasure hunt to let children find the new materials.
  3. Set some ground rules, like no phones or technology during devotions.
  4. Schedule time. Start slow, with 15 minutes twice a week and expand that when your family finds what works well.
  5. Use an incentive if needed. We stated, “Since God’s word is sweeter than honey, we can’t have dessert if we don’t have time for the best sweets.”
  6. Involve your children. Praise children for contributing. Include activities that appeal to each child, such as drama for the outgoing child, maps for the quiet thinker, and hands on fun for the kinesthetic learner. If a child states something incorrectly, don’t scold. Ask them to read the scripture out loud and talk about what it really means.
  7. Bridge time between devotions. So, if you studied Bible people who cooperated, plan a family project that takes cooperation and chat about how you’re doing something related to what you studied.
  8. Capture the memories with some photos or a family spiritual scrapbook. Post the photos in your home to show you value devotions.
  9. When things don’t work, discuss what can be changed or improved.
  10. Remember that children really want their parents to invest time in them and they will respond when you make sure the devotions are positive times and not lectures.
  11. Pray for God’s Holy Spirit to guide you.
  12. Be consistent.

I pray that you’ll find family devotions valuable.

About Karen Whiting
Karen Whiting is an international speaker, former television host and award-winning author of 25 books for women, children, military and families. She’s also a mom of five (including two rocket scientists) and a grandmother. She writes to help families thrive. She has written more than 700 articles for more than 60 publications. Karen writes for Leading Hearts, The Kid’s Ark, a radio network. Awards include the Christian Retailing 2014 Best Award, children’s nonfiction (The One Year My Princess Devotions) and the Military Writer’s Society of America Gold Medal (Stories of Faith and Courage from the Home Front).

Five Minutes at a Time

By Darlene Franklin

How did I rest in God in the constant drama of raising children? Five minutes at a time.

My daughter suffered from borderline personality disorder (BPD). BPD is characterized by pervasive instability—moods, relationships, self-image.

I despaired of finding days I could call good. Hours were easier to come by. Some days, I settled for minutes and relished whatever time God’s love broke through the clouds.

That experience came to mind when I asked a cousin how she had survived the death of her mother and the breakup of her marriage, a month apart.

Her answer? “I don’t know!”  She begged God to bring her husband back, but she knew God never deserted her. “It was a time of waiting and toughing it out, sometimes five minutes at a time.”

Resting in God didn’t mean the absence of difficulties. Both Jan and I tried to tell God how to fix the problem.

What changed was we knew where to take our problems. Only God knew the details of our days. We talked to Him about we wanted, because only He could bring about that miracle.

In the process, we learned something else: we trusted God because He never deserted us.

Intellectually, few of us have a problem with that statement, but experience can seem different. I sat in the balcony of my church, mouthing praise songs I couldn’t sing for tears. In that holy, wordless place, God held me when I fell apart. He carried me through the years following my divorce, my son’s teenage troubles, my daughter’s lifelong troubles, the double whammy of my mother and daughter’s deaths, and more recently, my failing health.

My cousin learned a similar lesson when her teenage son nearly died in a traffic accident. She told the Lord that He could have Macon. Giving her child to Jesus was the hardest thing she had ever done.

Macon lived.

While she waited, she could rest in God because she had learned to tough out the bad times, five minutes at a time.

Now a grandmother in a nursing home, I still have to take life five minutes at a time. And you know what?

God still is, always will be, faithful, for me, for you, and your children—five minutes at a time.

About Darlene Franklin
Best-selling hybrid author Darlene Franklin’s greatest claim to fame is that she writes full-time from a nursing home. Mermaid Song is her 50th unique title! She’s also contributed to more than 20 nonfiction titles. Her column, “The View Through my Door,” appears in five monthly venues. Other recent titles are Christmas Masquerade, Captive Brides, Her Rocky Mountain Highness, and Take Me Home. You can find her online at Website and blog, Facebook and Amazon author page.

The Word is a Great Tool in Parenting

By June Foster

Parenting? Yes, I qualify to speak on the subject as I’m a mom, grandmother, and great-grandmother, though I don’t know where the years went.

As parents, we have opportunity to mold and train our children. As a grandmother, some of us are fortunate enough to influence our grandkids, though others, because of distance, might not have the opportunity. So I can’t stress enough the importance of loving and teaching our children when they’re still under our roofs.

My story is a bit different than some. I didn’t become a Christian until my girls were ten and seven, and even then I was a baby follower of the Lord. But by His grace, He always led me to the Word when a problem arose. Many times I’d scratch my head and wonder how to resolve my children’s issues or answer their questions. Then I’d sit down with them and reading a relevant scripture which addressed their concern.

For example, when my oldest first went to high school, drugs among teens was beginning to infiltrate the schools. I worried about her but knew she’d given her heart to the Lord. So before the school year began, we looked at a few helpful scriptures. 1 Corinthians 15:3 says, “Do not be deceived: Bad company corrupts good morals.” Ephesians 5:11 says, “Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness.” We talked about how to befriend others who don’t walk with the Lord but at the same time stay away from those things God forbids.

My youngest daughter had a conflict with one of the girls in her class, and we discussed Luke 6:31, which  says, “Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.”

Today both girls are grown women with families of their own and each still love the Lord. I can’t help but believe spending time with them in the Word played a great part.

Always remember that wonderful promise in Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

About June Foster
An award-winning author, June Foster is a retired teacher with a BA in education and MA in counseling. June has written The Bellewood Series, Ryan’s Father, Red and the Wolf, The Almond Tree Series, Lavender Fields Inn, Christmas at Raccoon Creek, Restoration of the Heart and Letting Go. She enjoys writing stories about characters who overcome the circumstances in their lives by the power of God and His Word. Find June online at junefoster.com.

 

 

Coming to Grips With A Child’s Suicide

By Jean Ann Williams

When I was 50 years old, my youngest child, Joshua, died by suicide. After his loss, I’ve often examined my growing up years, because my mother also died by suicide as well.

Mom seemed well-adjusted when I was very young. But all this changed after she delivered her seventh child and almost died from blood loss. I was 10 years old and the eldest sibling, therefore Mom’s responsibilities were handed over to me. We thought her situation temporary, but Mom was never the same mentally.

I have an old photograph of Mom with my three younger sisters. It was taken after Mom’s near death and her facial expression still sends chills along my spine. She had a wild glint to her eyes; her smile was crooked and forced. She was only 25 years old, the same age as Joshua when he shot himself.

There is more than one way a parent can leave home. Emotionally, my mother packed her bags and left the family a long time before her body stopped living. She was a mere shell of our mom. All the while, over the next six years, I tended to my siblings. I fed them, disciplined them and kept them in clean clothes.

Dad was little help, as he spent most of his time working, and, in the evenings, at the bar with his buddies. However, if I had an especially difficult problem with running our home, I went to my dad to resolve it. Sometimes he did. Sometimes not.

I grew up frustrated. There wasn’t always enough food to eat, nor were there adequate blankets to keep us warm. So often our shoes were too tight on our feet, until my dad bought us more. When I became a teenager, I had little to no social life. I was in constant awe by the freedom my friends experienced.

I must say, though, my dad admired a certain family who had a daughter my age. He allowed me to visit them on the occasional weekend. I watched them conduct themselves and, even though their father was strict, there was security and love in their family. By example, my friend’s mother showed me what it looked like to be an attentive mom and a supportive wife.

Years later, my confidence as a better mother than my own mom shattered when Joshua killed himself. It took several years of deep soul searching, before I concluded I wasn’t a failure as a mother after all. I truly worked at my mommy training with each of my children and enjoyed being their mama.

Yes, my childhood was harsh, but it made me a stronger person. It prepared me for the trials of loss and sorrow which lay in my future. When my son died by suicide, I stubbornly clung to the Lord. He carries me through even today, and I’m grateful.

About Jean Ann Williams
Jean Ann Williams is a member of American Christian Fiction Writers. She writes regularly for Putting on the New blog, Book Fun Magazine, and her own Love Truth blog. Jean Ann and her husband have thirteen grandchildren from their two remaining children. They reside in Southern Oregon.

All Meals Aren’t Masterpieces (But We Are!)

By Julie Arduini

Our almost 14-year-old daughter falls into the category of special needs because of her health. Her life had a rocky start with a late congenital hypothyroid diagnosis and office error. She had another doctor error that nearly cost her life. There were asthma issues.

As she grew, her health stabilized. We knew she was physically behind her peers, and because of her thyroid, speech delay was also in play. What we didn’t realize was how the mistake from her late diagnosis would affect her. We noticed short-term memory issues. Sequencing problems. The inability to understand instructions.

Added to all of this was a new diagnosis: Albrights Hereditary Osteodystrophy (AHO). We had to watch her Vitamin D, calcium and phosphorus levels. Her bones fused together and she ceased growing at 4 feet, 9 inches tall.

I reconciled that this is our normal. She’s had to work harder than others. When we work on things at home, I write everything out. To memorize, we repeat phrases, verses, and numbers to help her recall the information.

This summer we decided we would work together weekly on making dinner. I show her each task and write things out. However, one week I didn’t because we were back from traveling and I thought she would be tired. She came into the kitchen and asked if she could help.

I agreed. I was preparing a separate meal for myself, so I wasn’t focused. I gave verbal directions but wasn’t right there to show her. It was a casserole that required a bowl of spices, a pasta preparation, and a meat dish. As I called out over my shoulder to add this to the spices and to pour the raw pasta into the pot of water, I don’t notice her hesitance. I then ask her to add another ingredient to the spices and to stir the pasta.

She points to the spices. “Do you mean stir this bowl?”

“No, the pasta pot boiling on the stove. Stir the noodles.”

After a minute, I ask if the noodles appeared hard or soft. Her face showed confusion, and she replied both. I knew she didn’t understand, so I walked over to see the state of the pasta.

She’d misunderstood and poured the raw pasta into the spice bowl that now was also combined with the meat. She was stirring a pot of water.

My heart sank and we tried to resurrect the meal, but to no avail. I didn’t want her to think this was her fault, because it was all mine. She asked if dinner was ruined, and if it was because she put the pasta in the wrong bowl.

I gazed at this child of my heart. “You know, not every dinner is going to be a masterpiece. I’ve burned a lot of meals or did something that meant I had to fix something new or buy dinner. But it means the meal failed—we aren’t failures. This isn’t a masterpiece, but in God’s eyes, we are. And nothing changes that.”

She smiled. Dinner might have been ruined, but I managed not to ruin the moment with my daughter. Recovering from dinner is easy—that night, we made plans to grab some food on the way to our event—but reconnecting with my daughter if I’d snapped or blamed her for the kitchen mistakes would have been a much longer process.

About Julie Arduini
Julie Arduini loves to encourage readers to surrender the good, the bad, and—maybe one day—the chocolate. She’s the author of ENTRUSTED: Surrendering the Present, as well as ENTANGLED: Surrendering the Past. ENGAGED: Surrendering the Future is coming soon. She also shares her story in the infertility devotional, A WALK IN THE VALLEY. She blogs every other Wednesday for Christians Read, and also is a blogger for Inspy Romance. She resides in Ohio with her husband and two children. Learn more at http://juliearduini.com, where she invites readers to subscribe to her monthly newsletter full of resources and giveaway opportunities.

A Balancing Act?

Are you off balance with your life? Rather than trying to achieve balance, author Jocelyn Green posits that women should embrace our lopsided lives instead in her latest book, Free to Lean: Making Peace with Your Lopsided Life. Jocelyn recently answered some questions about her book for my blog.

Why shouldn’t we strive to achieve balance in our lives?
Jocelyn: Nowhere in the Bible does God tell us to pursue balance. If you’re a believer, your purpose in life is far bigger than that. Jesus said that being His disciple requires us to deny ourselves, to lose our own lives so we can find life in Him (Matthew 16:24–25). As we follow Jesus, with our crosses on our backs, we aren’t balanced—we’re leaning, hard, after our Savior, whatever that may look like in our own particular seasons of life.

During Jesus’ time on earth, He fasted and feasted. He preached, and He went away to a quiet place. He wasn’t looking for balance, but for God’s agenda for Him on any given day.

That’s what we should be striving to achieve: a life ordered according to the priorities God has given us. (And not the priorities He has given someone else.)

How do you personally combat the pressures to squeeze it all in?
Jocelyn: It has taken me years, but I have grown to understand my limits, and the limits of what I should ask of my family in terms of my time and energy spent outside of them. I’ve also learned to discern the difference between good opportunities, and those that are the absolute best use of my resources. When tempted to add one more thing to my plate, I ask myself what my motivations are. If the only reason is guilt, or potential fear that I will disappoint someone by saying no, those are not good enough reasons to accept another responsibility.

What did writing this book teach you?
Jocelyn: I learned so much while writing this book, both from searching the Scriptures and from talking to other women trying to navigate these issues in their own lives. One thing God has been bringing me back around to, again and again, is grace. I am so hard on myself when I make mistakes in this life. Guilt is something I have struggled with for a long time. But there is so much freedom in striving to please God with my choices, and in listening to His voice over all others. I still mess up, but when I do, God is gracious to pull me up again.

About Jocelyn Green
Jocelyn Green inspires faith and courage as the award-winning and bestselling author of 14 fiction and nonfiction books. She loves Mexican food, Broadway musicals, the color red and reading on her patio. Jocelyn lives with her husband Rob and two children in Cedar Falls, Iowa. Visit her at www.jocelyngreen.com.

 

3 Ways to Not Be a Drama Mama  

By Cindi McMenamin

Would you classify yourself as a Drama Mama?

I don’t think any of us sets out to be high maintenance or over-emotional when it comes to parenting.

But we can be drama queens when our kids are hit with unexpected circumstances and we’re unprepared to handle them. We can be drama mamas when we come up against other moms with different personalities who carry with them their own set of emotional baggage, learned behaviors, expectations, and an ability to misunderstand, misinterpret, exaggerate, gossip, disappoint, and act selfishly and inconsiderate. Just being around other people can elicit drama in any of us.

I’d like to think I’m never the cause of anyone else’s drama. But in reality, I can play into unnecessary drama at times without even realizing it.

Whether our drama is the petty stuff (like being gossiped about by another mom) or the truly painful stuff (like our child being bullied, left out or diagnosed with a medical condition that presents a challenge to the whole family), how we respond makes all the difference – or all the drama – in the world.

Here are three steps to help you NOT be a drama mama – to save your children from embarrassment and for your own sanity:

  1. Consider the bigger picture. Life–and therefore every circumstance you encounter–is meant to conform you to the image of Christ (Romans 8:28-29). Once you consider this, you can relax and realize God knows what He’s doing in the circumstances He’s allowing. And you can focus on passing the test, rather than failing it through unnecessary drama.
  2. Capture your thoughts. In 2 Corinthians 10:5, we are instructed to take our thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ because we are in a spiritual war in which the enemy of our souls will do his best to run rampant through our thought life, creating doubt, fear, and confusion.

To take our thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ means capturing or binding them with the truth of God’s Word. Instead of entertaining a loose thought like “I can’t get through this situation” capture that thought with the truth of God’s Word: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). Or instead of entertaining the thought “I’m alone in this,” capture that thought with the truth that Christ has said He’ll never leave you nor desert you (Hebrews 13:5). The more we know of God’s Word, the better we will be able to tame our reckless, wild thoughts.

  1. Correct Your Thinking. When you begin to feel overwhelmed by life and start to freak out, ask yourself: “What is true about this situation?” Instead of focusing on the “what ifs” or your feelings or fears, focus on the facts. As yourself: “What am I believing about God that isn’t true?” or “What am I fearing as opposed to what is really going on?” When our feelings lead us down a dark tunnel of despair, we need to switch on the facts of what we know about God–and the situation–to direct us back out.

When we know Who God is and what He is capable of, our worries, fears, and freak-outs can be stilled.

About Cindi McMenamin
Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author who helps women and couples strengthen their relationship with God and others. For more on balancing your emotions and being the best woman, wife, and mom you can be, see her new book, Drama Free: Finding Peace When Emotions Overwhelm You, now available at her website, www.StrengthForTheSoul.com, or anywhere you buy books.

 

 

The Roller-Coaster Ride of Parenting

By Ellie Gustafson

That our children turned out well might indicate we did something right as parents. Even though bad kids can come from good parents, God is the moderator in such matters. Parenting works best when plugged tightly to Him.

Both Jim and I had good parents. They gave us books, music, and places for the imagination. They loved us with firmness. Our small town was safe. Church was a given, and except for my parents splitting up, I had an idyllic childhood.

But how would my parenting go? First of all, what do you know in your early 20s? Not much, and we made lots of mistakes. Doing it over, I’d go about it differently, learning from today’s excellent books on parenting.

What did we do right?

  • Play—our most valuable tool. We romped on the floor, chased the kids, played games, read aloud, taught skills (boys sewing buttons, girls changing tires) and generally had
  • A pow-wow around a fake campfire in the middle of our living room gave each of us opportunity to bring up topics, and we’d talk briefly about each. As parents, we could discuss a range of sticky things.
  • I learned mid-course that encouragement was a better “fixer” than admonishment and saw child #3 go from slouch to straight after we changed our ways.
  • We bought a large forest as a tree farm. Like, just plain woods. No electricity, running water, shelter, bathroom. We all learned to make do without the basics. The boys ran chainsaws and drove truck and tractor. Rachel, though, balked at firewood hauling and opted to train as a Christian camp counselor. We sent her off with our blessing.
  • Daily devotions were a sometimes thing, but we tried to model our faith in day-to-day choices and conversations.

What did we do wrong?

  • How do we sin? Let me count the ways… Observing sinful parents who are saved by grace isn’t a bad lesson for kids to learn.
  • We were selfish, often inconsiderate of our children’s needs and schedules. I remember making son Eric wait nearly a half hour to be picked up—for some frivolous reason. He was not pleased, and I’ve always felt bad about it.
  • We slept in, requiring our kids to make their own breakfast and school lunches. They rose to that reality with reasonable grace, but it was not a good thing.

My bottom-line advice? Be there. Be available. Be supportive. Be positive, even in correction. [Oh, I’m sorry you chose to do that. What can you learn from it?] Give choices; make consequences clear. Train in self-management—money, habits, choosing friends, etc. Hard work, yes, but the rewards are eternal.

Proof of the pudding:

Eric and Lee—You gave us fun things to do (Indian clothes, tepee, snow trains), and even dangerous stuff (chain saws, driving tractors, logging). We appreciate you!

Rachel–You’re a fine example of life-long mothering. I’m watching and praying for you in this next stage.

April Joy— Happy GRANDmother’s Day! I feel so fortunate to live with you. Thanks for faithfully following God and pursuing Him.

Books I wish I’d had earlier:

  • Any of John Eldredge’s work.
  • Parenting with Love and Logic books—Foster Cline and Jim Fay.
  • Paul Tripp is new to me but seems to have a good following.

About Ellie Gustafson
Ellie Gustafson began thinking up stories at a young age but didn’t begin writing and publishing until 1978. A graduate of Wheaton College, she has been actively involved in church life as a minister’s wife, teacher, musician, writer, and encourager. Additional experiences include gardening, house construction, tree farming, and parenting—all of which have helped bring color and humor to her fiction. One of her major writing goals has been to make scriptural principles understandable and relevant for today’s readers through the undeniable power of story. I’d love to hear from you about your parenting adventures. Connect with Ellie at www.eleanorgustafson.com.

Forgiving Yourself For Your Failures as a Parent

By Christine Lindsay

Parenting is a bumpy road, especially if your family is blended in some manner through adoption, or divorce and remarriage, or any other number of life stresses.

But when you fail—and believe me, you will fail—the worst thing you can do is wallow in guilt. What your children need, no matter what their age, is that you forgive yourself. With this caveat: Learn from your mistakes to become a better parent.

My parenting skills were put to the test when I began to search for my birth-daughter, Sarah, the baby girl I gave up for adoption in 1979. Sarah and I never saw each other again, until 20 years later at our adoption reunion. The intense emotions of the search, during and after the reunion, put me as a woman and as a mother through the emotional ringer. I failed my children; my daughter Lana and her two brothers, and my birth-daughter Sarah.

Below is a slightly abridged excerpt from Finding Sarah Finding Me that focuses on our journey as a family back to wholeness:

~*~

Lana and the boys are so ready to accept this shift in their family orbit. But as much as I love their biological sister, Sarah, if for one minute I thought meeting her would hurt the kids I’ve raised, I’d stop everything. The paradox hits me between the eyes. These are my kids. But Sarah is my firstborn, and the distance between us is creating a constantly widening rift in my soul. Still, as much as I crave a relationship with Sarah, I can’t even meet her if it risks hurting the children who live safely beneath my roof.
Relief shores me up—my kids are reacting positively to the reunion, and the appointment is set. I don’t have to make that awful decision, which is good because I’m not sure how much more shifting of my orbit I can take, or how much longer I can deny my maternal feelings for this daughter I relinquished. I’ve often wondered how God managed to properly love the ninety-nine sheep he left behind to go out searching the hills for that little one that was lost.
Is my love for my “lost sheep” starting to overshadow my love for those safely within my fold?

~*~

The excerpt above shows the cracks in my mothering. As I focused much of my attention on my birth-daughter, I didn’t realize that I was laying the foundation for great pain in my daughter Lana’s heart. Years later, Lana would exhibit that sadness in ways that would break my heart as much as losing her sister to adoption had.

So often, we can pay great attention to a prodigal child, or the child who suffers from severe health issues, or just simply the more needy, demanding child. The quiet—seemingly unruffled child—can be quietly suffering, and we as parents have no idea.

In this excerpt from Finding Sarah Finding Me, I realized my failure as a mother:

~*~

My fear stretches across the expanse of my desk toward the woman from Student Life as she says, “Lana is in the hospital. She took an overdose of pills last night.”

Boys don’t always notice when Mom isn’t all she should be. Daughters are different, as though they’re looking to their mothers as a rough sketch of what it will mean for them to be women, rejecting and incorporating aspects of us as they grow.

During the search and reunion with Sarah, the boys were too young to notice my struggles for stability, especially since they had a great dad who made up for it all. In the years after the reunion, with good therapy and a renewed focus on God’s Word, I returned to the mom I used to be, even striving to be better.

But off and on during those two or three years of Lana’s impressionable teens, I’d let depression, poor self-esteem, and my own suicidal thoughts filter in to my children’s lives. Lana took emotional refuge at her friends’ houses, friends who often only added to her confusion. No matter how much I’ve changed since then, the damage was done.

~*~

Is there a way back from that kind of failure?

Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes.

Here is the beginning of Lana’s and my journey back to wholeness, and the joy that we experience today. Another excerpt from Finding Sarah Finding Me:

~*~

Lana looks up and starts to cry as I near her hospital bed. Even from a few feet away I see her tremble. Something deep inside me dies. I have done this to my child. She lifts a hand to wipe her cheek like the little girl she once was, as vulnerable as when I used to hold her hand to cross the road. Vulnerable but alive! It could so easily have been otherwise, but God protected her. We both still breathe, our hearts still pump. Though we’re both bruised as crushed reeds, there is hope. I’ll give my all to see her find joy.

Sitting down beside her bed, squeezing her hand, I weep as I tell her, “I love you. More than life itself.”

She nods, tears streaking her pale and tired face, and whispers, “I know, Mom. I know you love me.

~*~

You will fail as a parent, but there is hope.

  • Admit your failure to yourself and to your children.
  • But don’t remain there in a wallowing state of sorrow and shame.
  • Pick up your feet, and with God’s help learn from your mistakes and become the parent your child needs, even if they are 3 years old or 30.

Finding Sarah Finding Me is a braided memoir that focuses on the various angles of adoption and parenting when we start out as parents with an extreme sense of loss, such as my own as a birth-mother, that of adoptive parents who felt the loss of infertility, and the myriad of emotions that are part of the whole adoption scenario.

About Christine Lindsay
Irish-born Christine Lindsay is the author of multi-award-winning Christian fiction and non-fiction. Readers describe her writing as gritty yet tender, realistic yet larger than life, with historical detail that collides into the heart of psychological and relationship drama. Christine’s fictional novels have garnered the ACFW Genesis Award, The Grace Award, Canada’s The Word Guild Award, and was a finalist twice for Readers’ Favorite as well as second place in RWA’s Faith Hope and Love contest.
Connect with Christine on www.ChristineLindsay.org or follow her on Amazon on Twitter. Subscribe to her quarterly newsletter, and be her friend on Pinterest , Facebook, and  Goodreads.