A Boy’s Early Curiosity Alarms Parents

Q: When my son was 5, he tried to search for “girl’s pee pee” and other related terms on his tablet, which luckily was on the child setting. We talked to him the best we could even though he denied it happened. We put extra tight restrictions on his already very limited tablet use. When he was 7, we discovered that he tried searching for much more explicit content (sex, sex with kids) on my husband’s computer, knowing he’s not allowed to use the Internet without an adult around. He was swiftly and severely punished for breaking that rule.

I was an utter mess about what he may have seen, and why and even how my little boy was so interested in this topic. I probably did too much talking, and he said nothing but “I know” in response. We are always reminding him that he can come to me or his dad with questions. But, he doesn’t ask us questions or come to us ever. And he is smart and sneaky about getting what he wants.

We bought an age-appropriate book about boys growing up/body changes, and my husband read it to him and our 10-year-old son (who has never been found to be involved in anything related to this.) Now, at age 8, I saw that my son wrote the word “sex” all over our shower door, while showering. He mostly plays with one other 8-year-old boy in our neighborhood, and sometimes is around other 10- to 11-year-olds, with his brother. Our boys have very limited screen time and no Internet access on their tablets, and only use it in a shared room with permission. He has no history of abuse. I’m sure the kids “talk” on the school bus, and it’s a curious topic for boys, but being that it started so young and he already has some graphic thoughts in his head, I’m worried about where it came from and how to stay ahead of things from here on out. Should I be worried?

A: I don’t mean to alarm you, but yes, you should be worried. You say “he has no history of abuse,” but I’m not sure that’s true. It’s rare that a 5-year-old would search out something like that on his own initiative. My initial, gut reaction is that someone older than him—a boy on the bus, a teenager or an adult—said something or showed him something that triggered that search.

If you’re absolutely, positively sure that he’s had no unsupervised time with an adult man (even a family member other than your husband), then my guess is that he’s viewed pornography. Either he stumbled upon it on his own or someone showed him something at school or the neighborhood. Even at his tender age, the fact remains that pornography is frighteningly easy to come into contact with—even without meaning to. Kids as young as your son who have seen pornography often don’t realize exactly what they saw, and that sparks curiosity, confusion and shame (hence, his not wanting to talk to you about the incident or incidents).

As you’ve seen, your son will deny viewing whatever it is he saw. He’s 8 years old—he barely knows what it is he’s seen, but he’s curious or intrigued. He’s been leaving you clues—sex written on the shower door, searching for “sex” on the computer he’s not supposed to touch—so act on those clues now. And by act, I don’t mean further punishment for your son.

What to do going forward? Eliminate all electronic device usage—no tablets, no computer time, no video games—for both boys. Just stop cold turkey. Lock up your own devices to help him avoid temptation.

Wait a few weeks before broaching the subject again. During that time, rebuild your connection with your son. So often our kids don’t want to share things with us because we’ve let the connection with them dissolve or fray. Spend time with him without bugging him about this topic, etc.

You will need to talk with him again, but do more listening than talking. Maybe your husband could take the lead and talk about his own foibles into sex (crushes on girls, other boys who talked about sex, etc.). Nothing graphic, but sharing more how hard it is to say no or “un-see” something. He shouldn’t push your son to share, but a series of conversations will likely get your son to open up about what he saw or someone showed him, etc.

Finally, if, after reading this answer and reflecting on the past few years, you have doubts about whether your son has been abused or could have been in a situation where abuse could have occurred, then please, please, please act immediately. There are professionals out there—medical, psychological/counselors, law enforcement—who will help, who are trained to assist and protect kids in these situations.

3 Ways to Hook Your Kids on Devotions

By JP Robinson

Last week, I told my kids that I’d have to cancel our devotions that evening because a family activity had run later than expected. Their response was typical: a resounding chorus of “oh no’s! and something on the lines of “Pleasssse, can we have devotions tonight?”

I call this response typical, and it is…for us. Perhaps it’s not typical in most homes but I’m blessed to have kids who literally beg me for devotions. This post identifies three ways to help you get my kind of problem—kids who are disappointed when devotions are cancelled!

  1. Show your kids that God is the Best. Thing. Ever.
    Devotions don’t begin when you gather your family together. They are an ongoing expression of commitment to God. Getting your kids “hooked” on Jesus, is something that every parent needs to do 24/7. If we limit our dedication to Jesus to 15 minutes a night, then we send a message to our kids/tweens/teens that God is not the center of our lives.

Remember: your kids won’t buy into devotions if you’re not showing them that you’re “devoted” to God. I love the word devotion. It entails commitment, love and sacrifice. When we show our children that God doesn’t revolve around our lives, but our lives revolve around God, we’re setting the stage to hook their interest in time spent in the Bible.

Think: How can we expect our kids to be excited about God if we parents are too busy to go to midweek service or too tired to read our Bibles every day?

  1. Get creative. No, you don’t need to spend money or do acrobatics in the living room. What I mean is, don’t limit the format of your devotions to simply talking about Scripture.

Remember: Kids of all ages learn best when they’re doing or seeing things. Classic example: I was trying to teach my kids how just a little sin can contaminate their spiritual health. A few drops of purple food coloring in a cup of water produced a lesson that even my youngest remembered weeks later.

Think: You’re competing with school, friends and social media for your child’s time and attention. To be effective, devotions need to be engaging and—to a certain extent—fun.

Try dramatizing a Biblical lesson (no costume needed) or enhancing a biblical discussion with a short movie clip. If all else fails, a quick Google search on “Devotion ideas for busy families” produces almost 4 million results.

  1. Let the kids run the show. This is perhaps the most effective strategy of the three. Too often, parents feel that devotions mean that they talk while the kids sit and absorb the information. As a high school teacher, I can tell you that engaged kids are the ones who really learn.

Remember: If you feel guidelines are necessary, that’s fine! Just keep it loose so they’re free to express their creativity. Not only does this take some pressure off of you, but it also engages your children from the onset.

Think: No matter how old your children, assign them each a devotion night. Let them take ownership and run the show their way.

I hope that these tips place your family on the road to power-packed devotions. Keep up the good work and God bless your efforts to nurture another Christ-loving generation.

About JP Robinson
JP Robinson began writing as a teen for the Times Beacon Records newspaper in New York. He holds a degree in English and is a teacher of French history. JP is known for creating vivid, high-adrenaline plots laced with unexpected twists. Born to praying parents who were told by medical doctors that having children was impossible, JP Robinson’s writes to ignite faith in a living God.

Early Riser Plagued by Fears

Q: Our 6-year-old son is an early riser. He is to stay in his room until 6 a.m., then allowed to come downstairs to play quietly. Lately he has been waking up mom and dad because he’s scared. We try not to talk to him about this because it’s probably more about him being lonely or wanting attention. We tell him to go find something quiet to do, but he comes back. Going to his room after dinner and to bed early on days when he bothers us this way has worked in the past, but is there a better fix for these tired parents, so we can get off this roller-coaster?

A: Ah, the joys and challenges of an early riser! There’s nothing more frustrating than kids who get up early when you want to sleep. Having boys myself who rose well before I wanted to get up, I understand your tiredness, but since there were two of them in my house, at least they had each other to play with, so I didn’t get the “scared” aspect.

I recommend a two-pronged approach to solving this dilemma. First, I would move his bedtime up earlier because 6-year-olds need more sleep than you think, and that might help alleviate some of his fears—when you’re tired, everything is scarier.

Second, when he leaves his room to play downstairs in the mornings, have a CD player he can pop in a CD, like his favorite music or audio book. That will “keep him company” while he plays by himself. Sometimes, just having a little background noise can help chase away feelings of uneasiness.

Finally, be sure you have touch point connections throughout the day with him. It might be that he’s not getting enough of those interactions, which don’t have to be long, but more speak to him directly. Some kids like snuggle time while reading a short book. Other kids like having mom or dad listen as they tell about the newest dinosaur they like. Still other kids enjoy sharing jokes or sitting in the sun singing a silly song. If you fill up that bucket during the day/evening, your son will be more likely to feel content—and less likely to let his fears run away with him.

Teaching Kindness

Q: How can I teach my 10-year-old daughter to have a kind heart? Her 7-year-old sister is always doing sweet things for her without prompting, and she sees it modeled between her dad and I doing selfless things for each other. We are just out of ideas to get her to think of others without being told.

A: I love that you’re asking this question because it’s important for us to teach our kids how to be kind and generous, tenderhearted toward one another, whether siblings or friends or classmates. As you’ve noticed yourself, some kids are born with a more generous, outgoing personality that spills over into little acts of kindness. This is how your 7 year old is (Younger), and that’s a wonderful thing.

However, I’m wondering if your 10 year old (Older) senses that you approve of her younger sister’s actions more than you do of her. In your question, you’re comparing the two—Younger is “always doing sweet things” while Older is not. I suspect that you’re probably either commenting about that in Older’s hearing or using nonverbal cues (smiles/fawning over Younger’s “sweet things,” while subtly judging Older for not doing spontaneous acts of kindness).

So first, please check your own heart and actions to ensure you’re not judging your girls the same. It also sounds like you and your husband are naturally good at these types of expressions, which can color how you look at Older and her seeming lack of kindnesses.

Second, remember that your children are different and have different personalities that express themselves in different ways. I encourage you to write down five things you see Older excel at and struggle with, then do the same for Younger. It’s important to realize Older has her own strengths and weaknesses just like Younger does. You might find that Older has other ways she shows kindnesses or a helpful spirit that you haven’t really noticed because it’s not as visible as Younger’s “sweet things.”

Now for teaching kindness, focus on both tangible and intangible expressions. For tangible, it can be helping kids to notice opportunities to be kind, such as picking up toys without being asked, volunteering to help with a chore or task, or helping to pick up something someone spilled or dropped. For intangible, it can be talking to the new kid during lunch, making sure to include everyone in the game at recess and being aware when someone’s upset and trying to comfort them.

Books help too, like Horton Hears a Who, The Invisible Boy, many of the Berenstain Bears books, The Giving Tree, and Anne of Green Gables. Reading and discussing characters who are kind and ones who aren’t can assist children in learning what kindness looks like and how to be kind themselves.

One thing we’ve done from time to time is ask each family member questions at dinner that touch on little kindnesses throughout the day, like

  • What did you do today that made you smile?
  • What did you do today that was kind to someone else?

Overall, it’s more about focusing on building character in both of your girls than in teaching only Older to be kind.

April Parenting Thought of the Month: Do You Have a Strong-Willed Child Or a Hidden-Willed Child?

Google “strong-willed child” and you’ll find a plethora of articles and books about how to parent a stubborn, difficult, defiant and high-spirited child. Strong-willed children are defined as kids who defy, disobey and emphatically refuse—often with verbal or physical outbursts—to do what a parent wants them to do.

Lately, though, I’ve become convinced that labeling certain children as “strong-willed” isn’t in their best interest—nor is it entirely accurate because every child is strong-willed.

Let me repeat: Every child is strong-willed. How so? Because every child wants what he or she wants when she wants it. In other words, every single child is born selfish.

This is an important truth for all parents to grasp. Each one of your children is selfish in their core—they can’t help but look out for number one. Christian parents know this is because every child is born with a sinful nature.

Therefore, every child is strong-willed.

But every child exhibits that selfish nature in different ways. Some kids are loud, boisterous and in-your-face about their wanting what they want when they want it—the classic definition of a “strong-willed child,” if you please. However—and this is a big however—even kids who aren’t as vocal or physical about their selfish desires are still strong-willed. They have a hidden will that makes it difficult to see on the outside but inside, they are still exhibiting the same selfish tendencies.

Personally, I think parenting the classic strong-willed child is easier than the “hidden-willed” child because with an outwardly strong-willed child, you can see the struggle right in front of your eyes. You tell the outwardly strong-willed child to pick up his toys, and he throws a fit. You know exactly what’s going on in his heart, right? He’s refusing to put himself under your authority.

You tell the hidden-willed child to pick up her toys, and outwardly, she obeys. You’re happy, but what you might not notice or even have a glimpse of is what’s going on in her heart. She might be gritting her teeth on the inside, grumbling about the task, letting bitterness or envy or strife take root in her heart…and you won’t have a clue it’s there.

When I mention to parent groups how lucky they are to have strong-willed children, I often am met with disbelief. After all, strong-willed children give parents a workout in the toddler to preschool age with their almost constant questioning and testing of boundaries. Then I remind these parents that with a strong-willed child, you know exactly what’s going on in their hearts—it’s out there for all to see.

It can be just as difficult to parent a hidden-willed child because you can easily mistake outward compliance with inward compliance—and the two don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand. With a hidden-willed child, you have to look for other signs that the child’s heart isn’t growing cold with hidden defiance, such as surly attitudes, little unkindnesses and undercover disobedience.

Whether you have a strong-willed or hidden-willed child, parents should be willing to put in the time and effort to stick to boundaries, to pay attention to a child’s heart, and to realize that we’re raising adults, not children. With an eye to the future, you can help your strong-willed or hidden-willed child become an adult who’s kind, honest, hard-working, committed and resourceful.

Set Dating Ground Rules Early

By Mary L. Hamilton

The first week of sixth grade, a girl invited my son to see a movie with her and another couple. “It’s not a date,” my son argued. I countered that while he may not think of it as that, any girl bold enough to ask him to a movie is definitely thinking of it as a date. And no, he could not accept this invitation.

I well remember my own desire to date in junior high school. I’d struck up a friendship with an older boy who rode my bus. I was 14 when he asked me out, and felt deeply flattered that a boy three years older than me found me attractive and mature enough to date.

With my best friend beside me for moral support, I worked up the courage to ask my parents if I could go out with him. In spite of my begging, pleading and crying, their answer was a firm no. I was not allowed to date anyone until I turned 16. My parents made a couple exceptions for special occasions like the homecoming dance, but otherwise, they held firm to their convictions.

I am so thankful they did! Once I entered high school, I saw more of the boy who had asked me out. I noticed how others perceived him, and how his character played out in everyday life at school. It didn’t take me long to realize he wasn’t exactly the type of boy I wanted to date. Along with the difference in our ages, we had little in common. It’s amazing how a couple years can change one’s understanding and perspective, especially in the teen years.

With that in mind, my husband and I established these rules for dating that worked well to ease our three children into the realm of dating.

  1. We acknowledged that special feelings for the opposite sex are normal and to be expected, but we emphasized that our emotions are not dependable as they tend to change often. At this stage, it’s best to work on being friends without the pressure of being boyfriend/girlfriend. Find activities to do in large groups where you can observe how the person behaves and interacts with others. Learn what interests you have in common. Focus on being friends by learning how to talk and be kind to each other.
  2. No one of the opposite sex is allowed inside the house while parents are not home. And when we were home, there was no hanging out in the bedroom, even with the door open. I explained that I trusted them now, but if they made a habit of entertaining a boyfriend or girlfriend in their bedroom, some day, some time, the temptation would become too great. I wanted to help them avoid those unintended, and sometimes wanted, consequences.
  3. Our school’s end-of-year 8th grade dance served as a marker. From that point on, the kids were allowed to group date, meaning there had to be at least five people in the group.
  4. At the age of 15, our children were allowed to double date, which meant they could go out with another couple.
  5. At 16, we permitted single dates. However, unless they were at a school-sponsored function or we knew the parents of the home where they were staying, they had to be home by midnight. The old saying, “Nothing good happens after midnight” is still true.

With social media and the sexualization of younger and younger children, the pressure to date is happening earlier all the time. Set your guidelines and rules ahead of time, and stick with them. Kids don’t know how vulnerable they are to situations they may not be mature enough to handle. Stand firm as their protector. In the end, you’ll both be glad you did.

About Mary L. Hamilton
Mary L. Hamilton is the author of The Rustic Knoll Bible Camp series for middle grade and YA readers. Her newest release, Pendant, is a cozy mystery that appeals particularly to women. She and her husband are enjoying the empty nest now that their three kids are grown. Their favorite date is heading to a nearby lake to watch the sunset.