A Boy’s Early Curiosity Alarms Parents

Q: When my son was 5, he tried to search for “girl’s pee pee” and other related terms on his tablet, which luckily was on the child setting. We talked to him the best we could even though he denied it happened. We put extra tight restrictions on his already very limited tablet use. When he was 7, we discovered that he tried searching for much more explicit content (sex, sex with kids) on my husband’s computer, knowing he’s not allowed to use the Internet without an adult around. He was swiftly and severely punished for breaking that rule.

I was an utter mess about what he may have seen, and why and even how my little boy was so interested in this topic. I probably did too much talking, and he said nothing but “I know” in response. We are always reminding him that he can come to me or his dad with questions. But, he doesn’t ask us questions or come to us ever. And he is smart and sneaky about getting what he wants.

We bought an age-appropriate book about boys growing up/body changes, and my husband read it to him and our 10-year-old son (who has never been found to be involved in anything related to this.) Now, at age 8, I saw that my son wrote the word “sex” all over our shower door, while showering. He mostly plays with one other 8-year-old boy in our neighborhood, and sometimes is around other 10- to 11-year-olds, with his brother. Our boys have very limited screen time and no Internet access on their tablets, and only use it in a shared room with permission. He has no history of abuse. I’m sure the kids “talk” on the school bus, and it’s a curious topic for boys, but being that it started so young and he already has some graphic thoughts in his head, I’m worried about where it came from and how to stay ahead of things from here on out. Should I be worried?

A: I don’t mean to alarm you, but yes, you should be worried. You say “he has no history of abuse,” but I’m not sure that’s true. It’s rare that a 5-year-old would search out something like that on his own initiative. My initial, gut reaction is that someone older than him—a boy on the bus, a teenager or an adult—said something or showed him something that triggered that search.

If you’re absolutely, positively sure that he’s had no unsupervised time with an adult man (even a family member other than your husband), then my guess is that he’s viewed pornography. Either he stumbled upon it on his own or someone showed him something at school or the neighborhood. Even at his tender age, the fact remains that pornography is frighteningly easy to come into contact with—even without meaning to. Kids as young as your son who have seen pornography often don’t realize exactly what they saw, and that sparks curiosity, confusion and shame (hence, his not wanting to talk to you about the incident or incidents).

As you’ve seen, your son will deny viewing whatever it is he saw. He’s 8 years old—he barely knows what it is he’s seen, but he’s curious or intrigued. He’s been leaving you clues—sex written on the shower door, searching for “sex” on the computer he’s not supposed to touch—so act on those clues now. And by act, I don’t mean further punishment for your son.

What to do going forward? Eliminate all electronic device usage—no tablets, no computer time, no video games—for both boys. Just stop cold turkey. Lock up your own devices to help him avoid temptation.

Wait a few weeks before broaching the subject again. During that time, rebuild your connection with your son. So often our kids don’t want to share things with us because we’ve let the connection with them dissolve or fray. Spend time with him without bugging him about this topic, etc.

You will need to talk with him again, but do more listening than talking. Maybe your husband could take the lead and talk about his own foibles into sex (crushes on girls, other boys who talked about sex, etc.). Nothing graphic, but sharing more how hard it is to say no or “un-see” something. He shouldn’t push your son to share, but a series of conversations will likely get your son to open up about what he saw or someone showed him, etc.

Finally, if, after reading this answer and reflecting on the past few years, you have doubts about whether your son has been abused or could have been in a situation where abuse could have occurred, then please, please, please act immediately. There are professionals out there—medical, psychological/counselors, law enforcement—who will help, who are trained to assist and protect kids in these situations.

3 Ways to Hook Your Kids on Devotions

By JP Robinson

Last week, I told my kids that I’d have to cancel our devotions that evening because a family activity had run later than expected. Their response was typical: a resounding chorus of “oh no’s! and something on the lines of “Pleasssse, can we have devotions tonight?”

I call this response typical, and it is…for us. Perhaps it’s not typical in most homes but I’m blessed to have kids who literally beg me for devotions. This post identifies three ways to help you get my kind of problem—kids who are disappointed when devotions are cancelled!

  1. Show your kids that God is the Best. Thing. Ever.
    Devotions don’t begin when you gather your family together. They are an ongoing expression of commitment to God. Getting your kids “hooked” on Jesus, is something that every parent needs to do 24/7. If we limit our dedication to Jesus to 15 minutes a night, then we send a message to our kids/tweens/teens that God is not the center of our lives.

Remember: your kids won’t buy into devotions if you’re not showing them that you’re “devoted” to God. I love the word devotion. It entails commitment, love and sacrifice. When we show our children that God doesn’t revolve around our lives, but our lives revolve around God, we’re setting the stage to hook their interest in time spent in the Bible.

Think: How can we expect our kids to be excited about God if we parents are too busy to go to midweek service or too tired to read our Bibles every day?

  1. Get creative. No, you don’t need to spend money or do acrobatics in the living room. What I mean is, don’t limit the format of your devotions to simply talking about Scripture.

Remember: Kids of all ages learn best when they’re doing or seeing things. Classic example: I was trying to teach my kids how just a little sin can contaminate their spiritual health. A few drops of purple food coloring in a cup of water produced a lesson that even my youngest remembered weeks later.

Think: You’re competing with school, friends and social media for your child’s time and attention. To be effective, devotions need to be engaging and—to a certain extent—fun.

Try dramatizing a Biblical lesson (no costume needed) or enhancing a biblical discussion with a short movie clip. If all else fails, a quick Google search on “Devotion ideas for busy families” produces almost 4 million results.

  1. Let the kids run the show. This is perhaps the most effective strategy of the three. Too often, parents feel that devotions mean that they talk while the kids sit and absorb the information. As a high school teacher, I can tell you that engaged kids are the ones who really learn.

Remember: If you feel guidelines are necessary, that’s fine! Just keep it loose so they’re free to express their creativity. Not only does this take some pressure off of you, but it also engages your children from the onset.

Think: No matter how old your children, assign them each a devotion night. Let them take ownership and run the show their way.

I hope that these tips place your family on the road to power-packed devotions. Keep up the good work and God bless your efforts to nurture another Christ-loving generation.

About JP Robinson
JP Robinson began writing as a teen for the Times Beacon Records newspaper in New York. He holds a degree in English and is a teacher of French history. JP is known for creating vivid, high-adrenaline plots laced with unexpected twists. Born to praying parents who were told by medical doctors that having children was impossible, JP Robinson’s writes to ignite faith in a living God.

Early Riser Plagued by Fears

Q: Our 6-year-old son is an early riser. He is to stay in his room until 6 a.m., then allowed to come downstairs to play quietly. Lately he has been waking up mom and dad because he’s scared. We try not to talk to him about this because it’s probably more about him being lonely or wanting attention. We tell him to go find something quiet to do, but he comes back. Going to his room after dinner and to bed early on days when he bothers us this way has worked in the past, but is there a better fix for these tired parents, so we can get off this roller-coaster?

A: Ah, the joys and challenges of an early riser! There’s nothing more frustrating than kids who get up early when you want to sleep. Having boys myself who rose well before I wanted to get up, I understand your tiredness, but since there were two of them in my house, at least they had each other to play with, so I didn’t get the “scared” aspect.

I recommend a two-pronged approach to solving this dilemma. First, I would move his bedtime up earlier because 6-year-olds need more sleep than you think, and that might help alleviate some of his fears—when you’re tired, everything is scarier.

Second, when he leaves his room to play downstairs in the mornings, have a CD player he can pop in a CD, like his favorite music or audio book. That will “keep him company” while he plays by himself. Sometimes, just having a little background noise can help chase away feelings of uneasiness.

Finally, be sure you have touch point connections throughout the day with him. It might be that he’s not getting enough of those interactions, which don’t have to be long, but more speak to him directly. Some kids like snuggle time while reading a short book. Other kids like having mom or dad listen as they tell about the newest dinosaur they like. Still other kids enjoy sharing jokes or sitting in the sun singing a silly song. If you fill up that bucket during the day/evening, your son will be more likely to feel content—and less likely to let his fears run away with him.

Teaching Kindness

Q: How can I teach my 10-year-old daughter to have a kind heart? Her 7-year-old sister is always doing sweet things for her without prompting, and she sees it modeled between her dad and I doing selfless things for each other. We are just out of ideas to get her to think of others without being told.

A: I love that you’re asking this question because it’s important for us to teach our kids how to be kind and generous, tenderhearted toward one another, whether siblings or friends or classmates. As you’ve noticed yourself, some kids are born with a more generous, outgoing personality that spills over into little acts of kindness. This is how your 7 year old is (Younger), and that’s a wonderful thing.

However, I’m wondering if your 10 year old (Older) senses that you approve of her younger sister’s actions more than you do of her. In your question, you’re comparing the two—Younger is “always doing sweet things” while Older is not. I suspect that you’re probably either commenting about that in Older’s hearing or using nonverbal cues (smiles/fawning over Younger’s “sweet things,” while subtly judging Older for not doing spontaneous acts of kindness).

So first, please check your own heart and actions to ensure you’re not judging your girls the same. It also sounds like you and your husband are naturally good at these types of expressions, which can color how you look at Older and her seeming lack of kindnesses.

Second, remember that your children are different and have different personalities that express themselves in different ways. I encourage you to write down five things you see Older excel at and struggle with, then do the same for Younger. It’s important to realize Older has her own strengths and weaknesses just like Younger does. You might find that Older has other ways she shows kindnesses or a helpful spirit that you haven’t really noticed because it’s not as visible as Younger’s “sweet things.”

Now for teaching kindness, focus on both tangible and intangible expressions. For tangible, it can be helping kids to notice opportunities to be kind, such as picking up toys without being asked, volunteering to help with a chore or task, or helping to pick up something someone spilled or dropped. For intangible, it can be talking to the new kid during lunch, making sure to include everyone in the game at recess and being aware when someone’s upset and trying to comfort them.

Books help too, like Horton Hears a Who, The Invisible Boy, many of the Berenstain Bears books, The Giving Tree, and Anne of Green Gables. Reading and discussing characters who are kind and ones who aren’t can assist children in learning what kindness looks like and how to be kind themselves.

One thing we’ve done from time to time is ask each family member questions at dinner that touch on little kindnesses throughout the day, like

  • What did you do today that made you smile?
  • What did you do today that was kind to someone else?

Overall, it’s more about focusing on building character in both of your girls than in teaching only Older to be kind.

April Parenting Thought of the Month: Do You Have a Strong-Willed Child Or a Hidden-Willed Child?

Google “strong-willed child” and you’ll find a plethora of articles and books about how to parent a stubborn, difficult, defiant and high-spirited child. Strong-willed children are defined as kids who defy, disobey and emphatically refuse—often with verbal or physical outbursts—to do what a parent wants them to do.

Lately, though, I’ve become convinced that labeling certain children as “strong-willed” isn’t in their best interest—nor is it entirely accurate because every child is strong-willed.

Let me repeat: Every child is strong-willed. How so? Because every child wants what he or she wants when she wants it. In other words, every single child is born selfish.

This is an important truth for all parents to grasp. Each one of your children is selfish in their core—they can’t help but look out for number one. Christian parents know this is because every child is born with a sinful nature.

Therefore, every child is strong-willed.

But every child exhibits that selfish nature in different ways. Some kids are loud, boisterous and in-your-face about their wanting what they want when they want it—the classic definition of a “strong-willed child,” if you please. However—and this is a big however—even kids who aren’t as vocal or physical about their selfish desires are still strong-willed. They have a hidden will that makes it difficult to see on the outside but inside, they are still exhibiting the same selfish tendencies.

Personally, I think parenting the classic strong-willed child is easier than the “hidden-willed” child because with an outwardly strong-willed child, you can see the struggle right in front of your eyes. You tell the outwardly strong-willed child to pick up his toys, and he throws a fit. You know exactly what’s going on in his heart, right? He’s refusing to put himself under your authority.

You tell the hidden-willed child to pick up her toys, and outwardly, she obeys. You’re happy, but what you might not notice or even have a glimpse of is what’s going on in her heart. She might be gritting her teeth on the inside, grumbling about the task, letting bitterness or envy or strife take root in her heart…and you won’t have a clue it’s there.

When I mention to parent groups how lucky they are to have strong-willed children, I often am met with disbelief. After all, strong-willed children give parents a workout in the toddler to preschool age with their almost constant questioning and testing of boundaries. Then I remind these parents that with a strong-willed child, you know exactly what’s going on in their hearts—it’s out there for all to see.

It can be just as difficult to parent a hidden-willed child because you can easily mistake outward compliance with inward compliance—and the two don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand. With a hidden-willed child, you have to look for other signs that the child’s heart isn’t growing cold with hidden defiance, such as surly attitudes, little unkindnesses and undercover disobedience.

Whether you have a strong-willed or hidden-willed child, parents should be willing to put in the time and effort to stick to boundaries, to pay attention to a child’s heart, and to realize that we’re raising adults, not children. With an eye to the future, you can help your strong-willed or hidden-willed child become an adult who’s kind, honest, hard-working, committed and resourceful.

An Anxious Third Grader, Follow Up

Q: You suggested that I stop the regimented schedule and give him 90 minutes of playtime. There is just over 90 minutes between when he arrives home from school (3:45) and when we eat dinner (5:30). After dinner, we have our family devotional time/Scripture memorization, and then the bedtime routine begins.

I love for him to play outside in our very small backyard but he’s out there alone a lot. Does that matter? I try to play with him for 20 or 30 minutes a day. He has an incredible imagination and can occupy himself very well but I am sure he gets lonely. My daughter often doesn’t want to play the same things that he plays. There aren’t any kids who live nearby and his few friends from school are all booked solid with after-school activities. 

We don’t currently have a regimented schedule for the morning. The kids know what they need to do to get out the door on time. If I give him the whole after-school time (4:00 – 5:30) to play, I feel I’ll need to either give him a checklist or some sort of schedule to help him manage his morning hour and evening hours. He would need to add his assigned chore to the morning routine. He would also have to do all his homework in one long chunk right before bed. Unfortunately, much of his assigned homework is on the computer. Doing that work right before bed makes him wired, then it’s difficult for him to fall asleep.

He has a tendency to get distracted and lost in a book when he is supposed to be doing his chore or homework. What’s the best way to keep a kid like him on track without stressing him out more? He often says he likes the schedule because it’s mindless. He knows that if he just follows the time allotments for everything and uses a timer for the different chunks of time, that he’ll get it all done.

What do you think is a reasonable amount of homework for a third grader? The teachers says it shouldn’t take more than 45 minutes but just the reading alone is 20 minutes. Additionally, he struggles with spelling, so I try and do mini-lessons with him to bring him up to grade level. He really excels in other subjects but does poorly in spelling and writing. I actually homeschooled him in 1st grade. They weren’t teaching phonics in school and since I am a former reading teacher, I decided to homeschool him. His reading improved dramatically, to say the least. Nevertheless, the things we both didn’t like about homeschooling far outweighed the things we did like. 

We don’t like all the homework that his 3rd grade teacher assigns, but the teacher and the school are now quite helpful/compliant with the allergy situation. Even though our school district is the most allergy-friendly district around, it has taken me four years to train the staff about food allergies and to make changes that allow my son safely participate in school activities. I hesitate to have him move schools and have to start from scratch. I will talk with the teacher and see what can be done about the excessive homework. Most people don’t see the value in chores or a sit-down family dinner time, and they expect us to eliminate those in order to allow more time for homework.

If he has a dedicated 90 minutes to play but dawdles in the morning or while doing his homework, should he miss out on some of that time? How do we get him to stay on task and not waste time that could be spent playing without a strict schedule?

Please let me know your thoughts. I am grateful for your help.

A: You’re so welcome! As for him playing outside most of the time by himself, that’s perfectly fine. I get why we’re so focused (parents, teachers, etc.) on making sure our kids have friends, but he’s been around others all day long that all he needs is fresh air and his imagination after school. Seriously, this isn’t a big deal at all. I think he’ll appreciate the down time to recharge without anyone bothering him.

As for checklists, have him come up with a list of things he has to do in the morning before school and in the evening before bed. Go over it with you to make sure he hasn’t left off anything, then let him manage the order and time. Perhaps he plays outside for half an hour, then does some homework, then back out for another half hour, etc. He can still use a timer, but let him come up with the schedule. And my kids often “lose” themselves in a book at the expense of chores and bedtime. Timers work well for that too, such as setting a timer to read for 20 minutes, then do chores.

I think reading for 20 minutes each night is all a third grader needs in the way of regular homework assignments. Seriously. And frankly, reading is the best way for him to improve his spelling too. 45 minutes of homework for a third grader is ridiculous in my opinion. I get that your finally comfortable with school and his allergies—that must be a huge weight off your and your son’s shoulders to know he has a safe environment.

I advocate having a friendly talk with his teacher and simply share that you feel your family’s priorities have gotten out of whack and that your son will be pulling back from nearly all homework except for reading nightly and studying for tests or special projects. Say you appreciate her working with you on this, but that you’ve noticed an uptick in your son’s stress level and anxiety, and have spoken with an expert (ha, that’s me:) about the need for more downtime for his well-being. Then stick with it.

You can break up the 90 minutes of play, but I wouldn’t take it away as a punishment–he needs it like he needs water and food and sleep. Use timers, give him ownership of his schedule, and relax about getting it all done every day. He’s 9, and needs to have time to be a kid.

All We Need Is Love?

Note: On the fourth Tuesdays, I’m starting a new blog series on the Fruit of the Spirit, taking us through the nine character traits and applying that to raising kids.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23 (ESV)

The world is in love with love, and not just around Valentine’s Day either. The idea that if we just had enough love, everything would be okay isn’t a new one. People have been thinking that for centuries.

We also tend to think of love as strictly a feeling. That means, if we don’t feel in love, we’re not in love. We enjoy the feeling of being in love, but that feeling isn’t the most reliable. It can lead us astray, can cause untold trouble, and can break up marriages and families.

Jesus taught us the true meaning of love in his reply to the question of which was the greatest commandment: “Jesus answered, ‘The most important is, “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:28-31 (ESV)

That kind of love is more than a feeling—it’s an active, living and breathing love. How can we teach our children the true meaning of love like that? Here are a few thoughts.

Show them love. Kids need to see an active love, so while telling them we love them is important, so is showing them we love them. That means fixing their favorite meals, listening with our full attention, going to see them play or perform, allowing them to invite friends over, spending one-on-one time with them on a regular basis, and giving them hugs frequently.

Correct them when they do wrong. An active love also isn’t afraid to correct the loved one. Some parents have a hard time with discipline because they think if they punish a child for misbehavior, the child will interpret that as the parents not loving them. But proper, effective discipline can’t exist without love.

Love your spouse. We can’t get so immersed in the daily tasks of raising kids to forget to love our spouse in an active, vibrant way. Our kids should see us get mushy with our husbands or wives. Our kids should know without a doubt how much mom and dad love each other. Seeing that married love played out in technicolor in their living room and around the dinner table will go a long way to showing kids what real love looks like.

Talk about what loves means. True love isn’t easy. It isn’t here today and gone tomorrow. It’s persevering through the tough times. It’s overcoming heartache and misery. It’s forgiving and letting go. It’s mercy and grace. Helping kids to understand the many facets of love will help them learn to identify the real thing from the many imitations they will encounter.

All we do need is love—true, active love.

Anxiety and Anger: A Deadly Combination

Q: My nine-year-old son is experiencing anxiety and anger. My husband and I follow a traditional style of parenting—we are firm, have high standards for behavior, and are very loving. I believe our son ‘s anxiety is primarily due to two factors: health (his severe peanut allergy and allergies to dogs/cats that exclude or limit his freedom) and time management (the stress of lot of homework and regular daily chores). He is frustrated because even after working really hard all day before school, at school, and after school, he has only about 30 minutes of free time each day. He does not participate in any after-school activities but comes straight home, empties his backpack, eats a snack, and gets started on homework.

I’ve made him an after-school/evening schedule to help him stay on track without me hovering over him. When he dawdles, he gets very overwhelmed and angry with himself. We have purchased a punching bag for him to hit when he gets this way.

He is a very perceptive boy with a tremendous desire to learn. He loves to read the Bible and is developing a close relationship with the Lord. Several weeks ago, he was extra upset and told me something that stopped me in my tracks. He said that Satan is telling him to do really bad things to himself, like kill himself. I was very alarmed but I did my best to not show it. I want him to feel that he can tell me what is on his mind. The very next day we started to have nightly family devotional time. We also began memorizing Scripture as a family in an effort to fill his mind with God’s Word.

At this point, we are not sure what to do. I don ‘t want to overreact to my son’s comment about Satan but I don’t want to ignore a cry for help either. I am becoming hesitant to discipline him out of fear that he’ll get mad at himself, then hurt himself badly. He has allergy testing each year and knows that even eating 1/200th of a peanut (so small you can hardly see it) could cause life-threatening anaphylaxis. That is a lot of stress for a third-grader. I am concerned that he might get so angry one day and do something horrible….like eat part of a peanut (they are all over the place at school lunchtime). He is very responsible with his allergy and knows not to eat anything that I don’t provide for him but he is still a nine-year-old boy and could easily have flawed judgment.

I would sincerely appreciate your thoughts.

A: Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I can tell from your letter that you love him very much. He’s blessed to have such a caring mother, one who wants the best for her son. I think it’s wonderful that his comment spurred you to start having regular family devotions. That’s such an important part of his growing faith—and yours, too. Memorizing Scripture can be key to keeping negative thoughts at bay as well, so keep pressing on with that as well.

You have a couple of issues going on here, so let’s tackle the one that spooked you the most: his comment about Satan telling him to do bad things. He’s 9, he’s a third grader, and he’s super-stressed—those are your words. He’s probably saying Satan “told him” because he doesn’t fully understand how thoughts work. He didn’t want to think those things—they probably just popped into his head, like they do you and I at odd times. But he’s young and stressed, so he’s not able to realize that random thoughts happen to everyone.

So here’s what I suggest. Have a series of short conversations (don’t want to overwhelm the kid with a long-drawn out one that won’t make as much of an impact as several short ones will) in which you talk about random thoughts, how they pop into your mind and what to do about them. Then remind him, using Scripture, that Satan can’t reside in the same body as someone who loves Jesus. That’s not possible. Finally, wrap up with encouraging him to quote Bible verses and pray whenever thoughts that like come into his mind again. He can tell you and you can pray together.

Now as to his schedule. He has a lot on his plate, and frankly, I’m a little alarmed that a third grader has so much homework every night, that he can only have half an hour of free time. No wonder he’s stressed to the max. Last year, my third grader had NO homework most nights, and my fourth grader (same kid, a year older), rarely has homework either.

Your son has a very important job at this age—and that’s to play. Play is essential to keeping his stress very low, and it builds his immunity, gives him an outlet for his anxiety and also helps him solve problems through role playing and social interactions. He needs less schoolwork and more play time. Seriously, I’d stop with the regimented homework routine and implement free form play time every single day for at least 90 minutes, outside for much of that if possible. Have a conversation with his teacher about his not doing homework for the rest of the year. And if this is par for the course at this school, I’d move him or homeschool if possible for the rest of the year. He’s in third grade and it appears he has more homework than my ninth grader (who has more than half an hour of free time each night, even taking into account a later bedtime).

If you implement more free time and less structure, I think you can safely discipline him without worrying about self-harm, as long as you see no other signs (such as depression, not being himself, etc.).

Set Dating Ground Rules Early

By Mary L. Hamilton

The first week of sixth grade, a girl invited my son to see a movie with her and another couple. “It’s not a date,” my son argued. I countered that while he may not think of it as that, any girl bold enough to ask him to a movie is definitely thinking of it as a date. And no, he could not accept this invitation.

I well remember my own desire to date in junior high school. I’d struck up a friendship with an older boy who rode my bus. I was 14 when he asked me out, and felt deeply flattered that a boy three years older than me found me attractive and mature enough to date.

With my best friend beside me for moral support, I worked up the courage to ask my parents if I could go out with him. In spite of my begging, pleading and crying, their answer was a firm no. I was not allowed to date anyone until I turned 16. My parents made a couple exceptions for special occasions like the homecoming dance, but otherwise, they held firm to their convictions.

I am so thankful they did! Once I entered high school, I saw more of the boy who had asked me out. I noticed how others perceived him, and how his character played out in everyday life at school. It didn’t take me long to realize he wasn’t exactly the type of boy I wanted to date. Along with the difference in our ages, we had little in common. It’s amazing how a couple years can change one’s understanding and perspective, especially in the teen years.

With that in mind, my husband and I established these rules for dating that worked well to ease our three children into the realm of dating.

  1. We acknowledged that special feelings for the opposite sex are normal and to be expected, but we emphasized that our emotions are not dependable as they tend to change often. At this stage, it’s best to work on being friends without the pressure of being boyfriend/girlfriend. Find activities to do in large groups where you can observe how the person behaves and interacts with others. Learn what interests you have in common. Focus on being friends by learning how to talk and be kind to each other.
  2. No one of the opposite sex is allowed inside the house while parents are not home. And when we were home, there was no hanging out in the bedroom, even with the door open. I explained that I trusted them now, but if they made a habit of entertaining a boyfriend or girlfriend in their bedroom, some day, some time, the temptation would become too great. I wanted to help them avoid those unintended, and sometimes wanted, consequences.
  3. Our school’s end-of-year 8th grade dance served as a marker. From that point on, the kids were allowed to group date, meaning there had to be at least five people in the group.
  4. At the age of 15, our children were allowed to double date, which meant they could go out with another couple.
  5. At 16, we permitted single dates. However, unless they were at a school-sponsored function or we knew the parents of the home where they were staying, they had to be home by midnight. The old saying, “Nothing good happens after midnight” is still true.

With social media and the sexualization of younger and younger children, the pressure to date is happening earlier all the time. Set your guidelines and rules ahead of time, and stick with them. Kids don’t know how vulnerable they are to situations they may not be mature enough to handle. Stand firm as their protector. In the end, you’ll both be glad you did.

About Mary L. Hamilton
Mary L. Hamilton is the author of The Rustic Knoll Bible Camp series for middle grade and YA readers. Her newest release, Pendant, is a cozy mystery that appeals particularly to women. She and her husband are enjoying the empty nest now that their three kids are grown. Their favorite date is heading to a nearby lake to watch the sunset.